I've lost track of where I am on the countdown. I'll be more on the ball in a little while. But, in the mean time.
1 week. The time until I am at a home again.
1 week. The time since I have left my other home.
I miss them both terribly. The south and school. And right now, I'm in a place that isn't home. I'm in a place that I don't belong.
I'm in my hometown, but so much has changed. I've changed. And though I know that change is good, I still don't like the feeling that I don't fit in anymore.
The old group of my friends hangs out without me. Do things that I don't necessarily agree with, but which distance them from me all the same.
I don't talk to the people I used to. And when we do talk, it's different. Strange. Abnormal.
I miss the person who made this feel a little more like home. The person I came back for, but now she's gone. And I know it's for the best. She needed to go, and I knew she was going to, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's hard, balancing letting her know that I miss her and trying not to make her miss home even more.
In 1 week, I'll be back at school, with the friends I have made throughout the year. I'll be back with people who understand me, and who don't pressure me to change. I'll be back in my own room, with my roommate, chatting about the summer and making plans for the future.
A couple of weeks from that, I'll be on a plane headed down south for the weekend. Back to where life is normal, and to a place where I can catch up with summer friends, and speak with a drawl without people making fun of it.
Right now I'm in a place of transition. I'm in a place that used to be something, but that now is just ... nothing.
I'm not home. And I wish I were.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Day 217-226 - Letters
I'm sorry I haven't posted. I've been busy packing [I'm leaving Louisiana tomorrow morning] and it's been family time. But I've been thinking of some people, and want to write some letters.
Dear Gram,
It's been a while since I've written to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not only the lack of communication, but because I know you're probably upset that I'm leaving Louisiana so soon. There are three weeks left until I start my sophomore year of college, and though that could mean more time in Baton Rouge, I'm going up north to see friends before they leave, and repack for the new year.
I thought of you a lot when I went to visit Mema. I love her, but I must admit, every time I see her, it makes me miss you more. I printed a photo of us when I was a baby, and it's going on my wall at school. That way, I'll remember how much you loved me, and how much you still do. You can watch me as I grow up, and change. But don't worry, I'll always remember my roots.
I just learned you were a Pi Beta Phi. And maybe it means something that you were one. I've been debating rushing in the fall, been going back and forth on whether to go for it or not, to make Mema and my dad's side of the family happy. Truth be told, I wasn't all that into it, because I didn't want to be doing it just for them. But when my mom said you were a Pi Phi too, that cinched the deal. I want to be connected to you in another way, and the fact that you were one makes me believe they stand behind good causes, and are good people. It'll give me another way to be reminded of you, and I'll follow in your footsteps. I want to make you proud.
That's my ultimate goal, I guess. To make myself happy, and to make you proud. Though I know you aren't here physically to tell me your opinions, I have faith in the little signs you seem to send: a rainbow after I make a good decision, a piece of news to help. I remember the day I really needed you, the day I ended my first love. I was crying in a hotel room in New Orleans, it was raining outside, and Robert was with his girlfriend at the pool. And when I finally got up, I looked outside, and saw it had stopped raining. I couldn't see a rainbow, but I knew there was one. And something told me you were there.
Just like you always are.
I love you so much, Gram. And I want to make you proud.
I want to be a Pi Phi.
Love,
your ballerina.
Dear B,
I've been thinking of you, but we haven't talked. And I know why: I de-friended you on Facebook, and we haven't really talked on the phone or texted since we broke up. But I just wanted to let you know that you were in my dream last night.
We were at someone's house ... I recognized the floor plan, but couldn't figure out whose house it was. We were finally talking, and I was so happy you would respond to me. But then we kissed. And I really can't believe that my heart could beat that fast in a dream. It was like real life, but I still knew it was a dream.
But the doubts came, just like they did when we were together. I was worried you were with Hannah, someone who goes to your church and who you hang out with. You two banter, and I have had ideas in the past about you two. I'm just surprised they came into my dream.
It was all so real. I really can't believe it, but it's true.
I'm writing this letter here because I need to get it out. I need to write this somewhere, and I figure that this blog is as good a place as any; at least it's better than writing the letter and actually sending it to you. I've thought of that before. When I get fortunes from cookies that I think you would enjoy, or postcards I giggle at, or just song lyrics that remind me of you. I have this urge to write it on a scrap of paper and just send it. No need for a return address.
But I'm afraid you would know it was me. And I'm afraid to know what would happen. I mean, the last time we talked, I found out you had just asked out another girl. That was the same day I realized that I really didlove like you. And it was two days before I left for the summer for a place you probably still don't believe is my home. I've wondered what it'll be like once I'm back up north. Whether we'll see each other; whether you'll know I'm back; whether you'll even care.
I wonder whether we'll run into each other in a store, or on the street. Whether you'll look out your window as I run past, or go to the park the same day I do as I try to recreate some of the Louisiana sunshine. I wonder ... whether you'll think of everything that's gone on between us and be saddened, like I am. If you'll think of all the memories, of all the "could have beens," or even the "should have beens," and want to reconnect.
A lot of wondering has gone on. And more probably will. But I know that there will be no answers, because I am me, and you are you, and we aren't what we were before. I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. And if you look at either of my blogs, I'm sure you'll see that you're on my mind.
I miss you, Probably more that both of us is willing to admit.
C.
Dear Gram,
It's been a while since I've written to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not only the lack of communication, but because I know you're probably upset that I'm leaving Louisiana so soon. There are three weeks left until I start my sophomore year of college, and though that could mean more time in Baton Rouge, I'm going up north to see friends before they leave, and repack for the new year.
I thought of you a lot when I went to visit Mema. I love her, but I must admit, every time I see her, it makes me miss you more. I printed a photo of us when I was a baby, and it's going on my wall at school. That way, I'll remember how much you loved me, and how much you still do. You can watch me as I grow up, and change. But don't worry, I'll always remember my roots.
I just learned you were a Pi Beta Phi. And maybe it means something that you were one. I've been debating rushing in the fall, been going back and forth on whether to go for it or not, to make Mema and my dad's side of the family happy. Truth be told, I wasn't all that into it, because I didn't want to be doing it just for them. But when my mom said you were a Pi Phi too, that cinched the deal. I want to be connected to you in another way, and the fact that you were one makes me believe they stand behind good causes, and are good people. It'll give me another way to be reminded of you, and I'll follow in your footsteps. I want to make you proud.
That's my ultimate goal, I guess. To make myself happy, and to make you proud. Though I know you aren't here physically to tell me your opinions, I have faith in the little signs you seem to send: a rainbow after I make a good decision, a piece of news to help. I remember the day I really needed you, the day I ended my first love. I was crying in a hotel room in New Orleans, it was raining outside, and Robert was with his girlfriend at the pool. And when I finally got up, I looked outside, and saw it had stopped raining. I couldn't see a rainbow, but I knew there was one. And something told me you were there.
Just like you always are.
I love you so much, Gram. And I want to make you proud.
I want to be a Pi Phi.
Love,
your ballerina.
Dear B,
I've been thinking of you, but we haven't talked. And I know why: I de-friended you on Facebook, and we haven't really talked on the phone or texted since we broke up. But I just wanted to let you know that you were in my dream last night.
We were at someone's house ... I recognized the floor plan, but couldn't figure out whose house it was. We were finally talking, and I was so happy you would respond to me. But then we kissed. And I really can't believe that my heart could beat that fast in a dream. It was like real life, but I still knew it was a dream.
But the doubts came, just like they did when we were together. I was worried you were with Hannah, someone who goes to your church and who you hang out with. You two banter, and I have had ideas in the past about you two. I'm just surprised they came into my dream.
It was all so real. I really can't believe it, but it's true.
I'm writing this letter here because I need to get it out. I need to write this somewhere, and I figure that this blog is as good a place as any; at least it's better than writing the letter and actually sending it to you. I've thought of that before. When I get fortunes from cookies that I think you would enjoy, or postcards I giggle at, or just song lyrics that remind me of you. I have this urge to write it on a scrap of paper and just send it. No need for a return address.
But I'm afraid you would know it was me. And I'm afraid to know what would happen. I mean, the last time we talked, I found out you had just asked out another girl. That was the same day I realized that I really did
I wonder whether we'll run into each other in a store, or on the street. Whether you'll look out your window as I run past, or go to the park the same day I do as I try to recreate some of the Louisiana sunshine. I wonder ... whether you'll think of everything that's gone on between us and be saddened, like I am. If you'll think of all the memories, of all the "could have beens," or even the "should have beens," and want to reconnect.
A lot of wondering has gone on. And more probably will. But I know that there will be no answers, because I am me, and you are you, and we aren't what we were before. I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. And if you look at either of my blogs, I'm sure you'll see that you're on my mind.
I miss you, Probably more that both of us is willing to admit.
C.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Day 213 - 216 - Delayed Delta and "Tea" Parties
Monday 8/1
I went to the airport at 5:00 a.m., only to find that my 6:30 flight was delayed until 7:30. Thanks Delta for letting me know I could have slept in another hour. The delay was then pushed back until 9:10, and so I had to rebook my connecting flight. No big deal. But then they up and cancelled the flight. So I had to completely rebook my travel plans, and the stupid people at the counter were saying that the best they could do was have me land in Tampa, Florida at 1 a.m.. Sorry, buddy, but that just wasn't going to work.
I eventually got a flight out of New Orleans, so my mom drove me down there, and I landed in Tampa at 6:45 (I was originally supposed to get in at 12:35 p.m.). I went to my grandmother's house and basically just fell asleep after eating some dinner.
Tuesday 8/2
My grandma and I went shopping and I got a rather adorable black cardigan. It has rosettes and a scoop neckline. I'm in love with it, and I may have a slight obsession with rosettes.
My grandma invited some of her friends over for a "tea" party. Mostly they drank wine, with a couple people (including myself) opting for water. Gossip and goodies were shared. We took pictures.
Wednesday 8/3
My grandma and I basically just hung around her house. I gave her a computer lesson (which she will promptly forget) and a cell phone lesson (for which she had all the directions and just hadn't taken the time to learn). Quite honestly, that's all we did. Or all that's worth noting.
Thursday 8/4
I hung around at my grandma's for the morning, and then drove to the airport in a massive thunderstorm. It was amazing.
My flight from Tampa went pretty well - there was no overweight neighbor passenger, and the flight only left about 15 minutes late (not bad considering my first day of travel!). The problems started when I arrived in Atlanta. First, I had to get a seat assignment, which actually wasn't too bad. But then the plane was delayed 15 minutes ... 30 minutes ... the pilots came off (with their luggage). We moved to a different gate, with a different plane. We got on. We waited. An hour.
By the time we finally took off, we were supposed to have landed in Raleigh. But it all worked out - I landed at 11:30ish and my cousin came to get me. We chatted for a bit once we got back to her house, and finally crashed into bed around 2:00 a.m.
Though I loved visiting my grandma an seeing her friends again, it's also really nice to be with someone around my age (my cousin is older, but we still have fun). I'm not sure what today will bring, but I'll be sure to keep everything updated while I have access to WiFi!
I went to the airport at 5:00 a.m., only to find that my 6:30 flight was delayed until 7:30. Thanks Delta for letting me know I could have slept in another hour. The delay was then pushed back until 9:10, and so I had to rebook my connecting flight. No big deal. But then they up and cancelled the flight. So I had to completely rebook my travel plans, and the stupid people at the counter were saying that the best they could do was have me land in Tampa, Florida at 1 a.m.. Sorry, buddy, but that just wasn't going to work.
I eventually got a flight out of New Orleans, so my mom drove me down there, and I landed in Tampa at 6:45 (I was originally supposed to get in at 12:35 p.m.). I went to my grandmother's house and basically just fell asleep after eating some dinner.
Tuesday 8/2
My grandma and I went shopping and I got a rather adorable black cardigan. It has rosettes and a scoop neckline. I'm in love with it, and I may have a slight obsession with rosettes.
My grandma invited some of her friends over for a "tea" party. Mostly they drank wine, with a couple people (including myself) opting for water. Gossip and goodies were shared. We took pictures.
Wednesday 8/3
My grandma and I basically just hung around her house. I gave her a computer lesson (which she will promptly forget) and a cell phone lesson (for which she had all the directions and just hadn't taken the time to learn). Quite honestly, that's all we did. Or all that's worth noting.
Thursday 8/4
I hung around at my grandma's for the morning, and then drove to the airport in a massive thunderstorm. It was amazing.
My flight from Tampa went pretty well - there was no overweight neighbor passenger, and the flight only left about 15 minutes late (not bad considering my first day of travel!). The problems started when I arrived in Atlanta. First, I had to get a seat assignment, which actually wasn't too bad. But then the plane was delayed 15 minutes ... 30 minutes ... the pilots came off (with their luggage). We moved to a different gate, with a different plane. We got on. We waited. An hour.
By the time we finally took off, we were supposed to have landed in Raleigh. But it all worked out - I landed at 11:30ish and my cousin came to get me. We chatted for a bit once we got back to her house, and finally crashed into bed around 2:00 a.m.
Though I loved visiting my grandma an seeing her friends again, it's also really nice to be with someone around my age (my cousin is older, but we still have fun). I'm not sure what today will bring, but I'll be sure to keep everything updated while I have access to WiFi!
Day 209 - 212 - Lazy Louisiana
I apologize for the lack of posts. The last week has been absolutely crazy, and I think you'll see why. I'm breaking up the week into two chunks: pre-leaving and post-leaving.
Thursday 7/28
From what I can remember, nothing much happened this day. My mom and I went to get some school supplies, and just hung around for most of the day. I believe we went tanning, as well, and I got more color.
Friday 7/29
More lazy day. My dad worked for most of the day, but when he came home, my mom and I tanned by the pool. My dad was supposed to join us, but got caught up inside with something (cleaning the coffee maker, maybe?) and by the time he was going to come down, it had started pouring. That's basically how the last week has been in Baton Rouge: rainy. Lots and lots of rain.
Saturday 7/30
Thursday 7/28
From what I can remember, nothing much happened this day. My mom and I went to get some school supplies, and just hung around for most of the day. I believe we went tanning, as well, and I got more color.
Friday 7/29
More lazy day. My dad worked for most of the day, but when he came home, my mom and I tanned by the pool. My dad was supposed to join us, but got caught up inside with something (cleaning the coffee maker, maybe?) and by the time he was going to come down, it had started pouring. That's basically how the last week has been in Baton Rouge: rainy. Lots and lots of rain.
Saturday 7/30
My parents and I went over to one of my dad’s coworker’s houses tonight for dinner. I knew they had kids, but I didn’t realize they have the four most adorable little daughters on the face of the planet.
Highlights of the evening:
- “Momma, where that cute little boy at?” Referring to my dad.
- Watching the four of them do a true wrestle-mania on the living room couch.
- Fixing the DVD player, and finding that Gracie has a huge crush on Joey Parker (Drew Seeley) in Another Cinderella Story.
- Having Mackenzie, the youngest, climb into my mom’s lap.
- Having my photo taken a lot because “your phone is cool!”
- “Huggling” - cross between hugging and cuddling. Used to get everyone into the photo.
- “Squish more!!”
- Molly asking me to sleep over.
- Playing airplane.
- Watching Gracie eat mass amounts of bread … but only the insides.
- “Kitty!!”
- Hearing what they were “fixin’” to do.
- “Daddy, who’s dippin’ the ice cream?”
It was a good night overall. I have officially lost my heart to the four girls (Maddie, Gracie, Molly, and Mackenzie) and their southern drawls. I absolutely cannot wait to see them again.
Sunday 7/31
I finished packing for my trip and just lazed around all day. I went to bed super early, because my alarm was set for 4:30 a.m. on Monday. It was a pretty rude awakening, but it all worked out. I made sure the fish were all clean and fed and everything, showered and straightened my hair in order to look good in the airport and not have to deal with a hot appliance in the wee hours of the morning. I think I went to bed somewhere around 8:30 p.m., and slept throughout the night. I was rather surprised.
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