Dear Gram,
It's been a while since I've written to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not only the lack of communication, but because I know you're probably upset that I'm leaving Louisiana so soon. There are three weeks left until I start my sophomore year of college, and though that could mean more time in Baton Rouge, I'm going up north to see friends before they leave, and repack for the new year.
I thought of you a lot when I went to visit Mema. I love her, but I must admit, every time I see her, it makes me miss you more. I printed a photo of us when I was a baby, and it's going on my wall at school. That way, I'll remember how much you loved me, and how much you still do. You can watch me as I grow up, and change. But don't worry, I'll always remember my roots.
I just learned you were a Pi Beta Phi. And maybe it means something that you were one. I've been debating rushing in the fall, been going back and forth on whether to go for it or not, to make Mema and my dad's side of the family happy. Truth be told, I wasn't all that into it, because I didn't want to be doing it just for them. But when my mom said you were a Pi Phi too, that cinched the deal. I want to be connected to you in another way, and the fact that you were one makes me believe they stand behind good causes, and are good people. It'll give me another way to be reminded of you, and I'll follow in your footsteps. I want to make you proud.
That's my ultimate goal, I guess. To make myself happy, and to make you proud. Though I know you aren't here physically to tell me your opinions, I have faith in the little signs you seem to send: a rainbow after I make a good decision, a piece of news to help. I remember the day I really needed you, the day I ended my first love. I was crying in a hotel room in New Orleans, it was raining outside, and Robert was with his girlfriend at the pool. And when I finally got up, I looked outside, and saw it had stopped raining. I couldn't see a rainbow, but I knew there was one. And something told me you were there.
Just like you always are.
I love you so much, Gram. And I want to make you proud.
I want to be a Pi Phi.
Love,
your ballerina.
Dear B,
I've been thinking of you, but we haven't talked. And I know why: I de-friended you on Facebook, and we haven't really talked on the phone or texted since we broke up. But I just wanted to let you know that you were in my dream last night.
We were at someone's house ... I recognized the floor plan, but couldn't figure out whose house it was. We were finally talking, and I was so happy you would respond to me. But then we kissed. And I really can't believe that my heart could beat that fast in a dream. It was like real life, but I still knew it was a dream.
But the doubts came, just like they did when we were together. I was worried you were with Hannah, someone who goes to your church and who you hang out with. You two banter, and I have had ideas in the past about you two. I'm just surprised they came into my dream.
It was all so real. I really can't believe it, but it's true.
I'm writing this letter here because I need to get it out. I need to write this somewhere, and I figure that this blog is as good a place as any; at least it's better than writing the letter and actually sending it to you. I've thought of that before. When I get fortunes from cookies that I think you would enjoy, or postcards I giggle at, or just song lyrics that remind me of you. I have this urge to write it on a scrap of paper and just send it. No need for a return address.
But I'm afraid you would know it was me. And I'm afraid to know what would happen. I mean, the last time we talked, I found out you had just asked out another girl. That was the same day I realized that I really did
I wonder whether we'll run into each other in a store, or on the street. Whether you'll look out your window as I run past, or go to the park the same day I do as I try to recreate some of the Louisiana sunshine. I wonder ... whether you'll think of everything that's gone on between us and be saddened, like I am. If you'll think of all the memories, of all the "could have beens," or even the "should have beens," and want to reconnect.
A lot of wondering has gone on. And more probably will. But I know that there will be no answers, because I am me, and you are you, and we aren't what we were before. I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. And if you look at either of my blogs, I'm sure you'll see that you're on my mind.
I miss you, Probably more that both of us is willing to admit.
C.
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