A good week

It's been a week since my Hell Week. I survived (as you could tell from Friday's post), but so many things have happened:

• we had Fall "Study" Break. This basically meant that all students had a 4 day weekend that we were supposed to use to study. I decided studying was pretty analogous to knitting baby hats, so that's what I did most of the time. Scratch that. All of the time. It was a super relaxing break, and I ended up ...
• baking. lots. Lots of things with pumpkin. My favorites were the baked pumpkin spice donut holes. They are were delicious.The pumpkin pie snickerdoodles were also really nice, but I just love donuts.
• I visited my mom's classroom. And there really is nothing better than having two dozen fourth and fifth graders think you're the most amazing person they've ever seen. It does wonders for a college student's self-esteem. Or anyone's, for that matter.
• picked up my Literary Theory paper (it was due last Tuesday). I was super nervous about it, since not only was it for a grade in the class, but my professor was also using it as a writing sample so that she could write me a recommendation for the Honors English program. She loved the paper. Her comments:

This is an astute commentary, bursting with smart comments about the issues raised by Propp's theory. You do a terrific job of laying out the principles before assessing their limitation, especially with respect to function. I'm impressed by your ability to survey the theory while pondering its implications without losing sight of your own position. A paper of very high quality and intelligence - this was a pleasure to read.

As you can probably tell, I am super super super excited. Not only was it a breath of fresh air grade-wise, but it was also really nice for her to say that she was impressed by my writing, since, honestly, she intimidates me. A lot.

•  took a Linear Algebra midterm. It wasn't as bad as I had thought that it might be.
• I think someone might like me. I don't want to jinx it, but I kinda like him back. He's really cute. And he keeps wanting to have meals with me, or hang out. Or just chat. It's lovely.
• received a grade for my Calc 3 midterm - passed the average. It was a very good way to end an already great Thursday.

Abby is coming tomorrow, which is always exciting. But it's even more so now, because I haven't seen her since school started (I don't really count Skype chats). It'll be great to be able to hug my "surprised ginger" and get coffee and chat and introduce her to friends.

After Abby comes, I'm getting coffee with friends to catch up on our lives. So much has happened since I've last had coffee with them, and it's just about time for us all to get back together.

Overall, it has been an amazing week (other than the sickness), and it's proving to be a wonderful weekend as well.

That's all for now. Going to take a shower and then head to bed. Because then it'll seem like Abby gets here sooner!

I hope y'alls weeks have been as wonderful as mine :)

Knitting Madness ... but Cute Madness

So I admit it: for the past two weeks, I've been addicted to knitting baby hats. No, there is no ulterior motives for me knitting baby hats, other than to be knitting them for charity (I'm a part of a group that now knits baby hats for a birthing center in a nearby town - we give them tiny hats to put on the baby's tiny heads to keep them warm).

So, anyways, I've finished seven hats in two weeks, and the eighth one is on the needles right now. If only I could figure out a way to knit and type at the same time .... ahh ... the productivity I'd have. I've posted pictures of most of the hats to Facebook (if you're friends with me, check them out - they are under the album "I'm Secretly an 80-year-old), but in case you're not, here are a couple of them:

See? They're adorable (or at least I think so).

So, back to the original point (or at least what I thought was the original point ... maybe not): I'm in my hometown for a couple of days (it's Fall Study Break, so we get a four day weekend to do whatever we want to ... except study) and I've decided that this is a baking and knitting kind of weekend. Really, though, what can you think of that's better than just curling up in front of a fire with knitting, a steaming mug of hot cocoa, maybe a baked pumpkin donut, and a cat by your feet?

Nothing, that's what.

But honestly though, this is the break I've been waiting for, and dreaming about. I can't wait to just relax all day tomorrow. Yes, I do have some homework I need to get done over the weekend (read a Shakespeare play, set up another blog, study for a linear algebra exam), but nothing that can't be done in the mornings. So that's what I'm going to do: wake up in the morning, do homework until lunchtime, and then after lunch, it's relaxation time. I can do whatever I want to, whether it's hanging out with friends, knitting, watching a movie, or maybe even all three at the same time! (Now that's what  I call multitasking!)

But, at the moment, I'm just knitting. And blogging. I just came back from my mom's room, where I was knitting and causing her to fall asleep (it's a little tradition of ours that the first night I'm back with her, we'll just sit and talk on her bed, and then when she gets tired, she'll go to sleep, and I'll just sit there and read, or, in tonight's case, knit). She wanted me to stay even longer, though, because I guess the sound of me knitting reminded her of when her mom knit.

It was touching, to be likened to my Gram. I still look up to her, even though she's not with us anymore. And I know that she'd love it that I was knitting these baby hats. She'd want to go and visit the babies, and hold one. Just one would be enough.

I wonder: is the reason I love knitting so much because I feel connected to Gram when I do? I've found myself wondering while knitting the hats "how many baby hats did Gram knit?" "did she ever stay up at night to finish a hat?" or "I wonder what she'd think now? I wonder if she'd like this pattern? Or this yarn?"

I miss you Gram. And I'm knitting this next baby hat for you. I hope you like it.

"To Err is Human ..."

Today I woke up and was sick. And not just a little "oh my nose is runny" kind of sick. This was a "it's 6:45 a.m., I went to bed 6 hours ago, and I'm drenched in sweat despite wearing summer pajamas and having the window open" sick. I lay in bed for another 45 minutes or so, then finally gave up on the belief that I would ever be able to go back to sleep. So instead I do the only thing I could think of, I got up, wandered into the hallway, and called Mom.

Yes, I am a soon-to-be 20 year old college student who lives away from home. But that doesn't mean I know exactly what medications to take when I wake up feeling like crap. Plus, I figured that my #1 choice at that moment (taking a vacuum to my nasal passages) wasn't exactly the best choice. So Mom helped. Tylenol every 4-6 hours. Take temperature before, and every hour after. Lots of liquids. And no classes.

When I was in middle and high school, I would never opt to stay at home if I was sick. I would stress out, and then the whole "stay calm and sleep" thing wouldn't work too well. But today was a day where I really just didn't care. Not at all. I have friends in all my classes, and told them I felt like crap. So they rose up o above and beyond the call of duty: taking notes (one girl even audio recorded the lecture), making sure I was okay, instructing me to drink lots and lots of fluids, and offering to get me food. It's times like these that I really realize how great all of my friends are.

I spent most of the day in my room, with the exception of going to drop off my application to the UM Honors English Program (please knock on every piece of wood in the room in which you are sitting and hope that I get in) and to go out to lunch with a friend. I took a nice, long, 2 1/2 hour nap during the afternoon, which revived what little energy I have. We went to dinner (it was Comfort Food Night - and boy did I need it), and now I'm just sitting in the Honors Commons for an Honors Peer Mentor study night that no one has come to. It's a blast.

But, the fun part is that I'm on my new (yes, new) laptop, named Isabella (no nickname). She's a beautiful Dell, and is wonderful. I have 84% of my battery remaining, and she'll last me another 5 hours and 15 minutes. It's quite wonderful.

In case you hadn't suspected, Winifred died. She was old (for an HP), and she had a nasty Trojan which kept pulling the Trojan Horse trick on her. She wasn't very bright. So, during the weekend, she died. Well, kind of. She now can turn on, which is somewhat strange, but she's still very unreliable. So I prefer to use Isabella.

This week has been my Hell Week: something due every day, and three things due on Friday. It was not a good time for Winifred to die. But things have worked out: my mom drove out her laptop on Sunday for me to use until my dad and I could agree on a laptop. Tuesday, I went to the UM Computer Showcase and got the laptop (in and out in under 15 minutes ... it was wonderful), and I had a friend look through everything and make sure she would run properly. All I have left to do is move all of my iTunes music onto Isabella, and then she'll be complete!!

I guess I should get back to my Shakespeare essay, whose title (a stroke of genius on my part, I must admit) is "To Err is Human; Don Pedro is Divine." I'm writing about Don Pedro (no, really?) in Shakespeare's Much Ado about Nothing. It'll be interesting. It's due on Friday and I have less than a page written (it's a 5-7 page paper). But at least I have an outline!

Only 35 minutes until I can go back to my room, take a shower, and sleep. I'm counting the minutes ......

Day ? - A rant

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - I've still been writing on my Tumblr, but with school starting and all, it's been hard to find a time that shouldn't be devoted to homework (in fact, I should be working on a commentary essay on Vladimir Propp ...).

But here's something that's on my mind, that isn't appropriate for Facebook, and part of me wishes the recipient of the letter will read it.

Dear Becky,

I have never really liked you. Honest and truly. I accepted you because Rob loved liked you, but I'll tell it to you now: no one else in my family could stand you.

You don't deserve him. He's an amazing guy, an amazing boyfriend, and deos all he can for you. For everyone. And maybe that's his downfall. He tries too hard to please everyone - but sometimes he does have to take care of himself.

You say he puts "everything else before you." Bullshit. He bends over backwards for you. He's left his family for you, when you throw a hissy fit and want him back in Ann Arbor. I'm sorry that he left this weekend when you didn't allow for it. But he's going to see our father. I apologize that that doesn't fit into your plans. I'm sorry that our family situation is like this. But you don't have to live it. You don't have to hop on a plane to see your parent, or try to manage travelling and schoolwork.

I'm sorry you don't like Michigan. I'm sorry you'd rather bake all day, every day. But unfortunately, the world just isn't like that. You can't just bake cupcakes for a living. Some people actually want to do something with their life. And Rob happens to be one of those people. He needs to do well in his classes, and if that mean studying instead of hanging out with you, you should be supportive.

He supports you. He buys you baking supplies, and encourages you to do what you want to. The least you can do is treat him with respect. I know you have your fair share of problems: I've read your Tumblr/Blog before. I know you have issues and don't want to feel like he leaves you. But missing plans or doing other things doesn't mean he's going to leave you forever. Flying for a weekend doesn't mean you'll never see him again. Good lord, he went to fucking England with you this summer. Doesn't that mean anything to you?!

Rob is a good guy. He's my brother, and I love him. I want what's best for him, and sorry honey, you ain't it. Go ahead and bitch on Facebook when he can't defend himself. Because i know you wouldn't have the guts to do it if he was able to respond. It's taking all of me to not comment on your message and call you a bitch. So instead, I'll do it here.

You're a bitch. And I hate you. More so than anyone else on the planet. Because you hurt my brother. And no matter how much right you think you have to do that, you don't. No one does.

You're a bitch. And I pity you. Because you don't realize how much you have fucked up. And you really don't know how much you're going to regret this. But I pray to God you two don't get back together. Because he deserves better than you.

Honestly? He deserves Raleigh. And I hope that's a smack in the face for you.

Claire

P.S. That was classy to delete the two comments on your changed relationship status that portray you as a bitch and someone calling you out on it. I'm glad someone put you in your place.

Day 259 - Learning my A, B, C's.

A
is for Anna. I wrote her a letter yesterday, but today is her birthday, and I really hope she had a great one. Though I know she had lots of class today, and then challenges for her band performance, and her sister went to the hospital, I hope we made it a memorable birthday.

Sometimes I worry about my ginger friend. She's cheery on the outside, but I know she has insecurities, and I just wish I could do something for her, to make her see how wonderful she really is. The letter was one thing, but I want to do something more. I mean, look at her: she's gorgeous, and seems happy. I want to see that beautiful smile more often.

B
is for birthday bash: We went out to dinner to a wonderful restaurant (it's called Sava's, for whoever is in the Ann Arbor area, I thoroughly suggest it).And then went to get milkshakes at Potbelly's. Yummmm. Then we came back to the dorm for presents and other shenanigans. And photos. Always lots of photos. Some of my favorites from the night:

 Brighid couldn't open the Nyquil. Anna took it as a photo opportunity.

 Roommate picture. Anna and Brighid: a.k.a. the Birthday Girls

 Julia and Anna look at the gift: dinosaur cupcake molds!

 The requisite "family" photo.

Julia and I matched. Unintentionally.

C

is for country music. I got a lot from Nicolette earlier, and have been listening to it non-stop. As in, I have my iPod tuned to the country genre and it's just going on shuffle. On a continuous loop.

I love country music, can you tell?

I also love my friends.

Oh so very much.

Day 258 - A letter to someone who needs it.

Dear Anna,

Yes, this is to you. It's to the petite ginger girl who is currently sitting on my futon working on French homework. It's to the girl with the pink pen and her feet in fourth position, with the cozy sweatshirt and the heart that is filled with gold.

Tomorrow is your birthday. And I read your posts on Tumblr. All of them. And I must say, my dear, that I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you don't realize how truly wonderful you really are, and how lucky we all are to be able to call you a friend. I'm especially lucky to be able to call your a best friend.

Sometimes I don't think you see yourself clearly at all. You are talented: you are a flag girl with ambition and enthusiasm. You're smart: eighteen credits, Bio, P-Chem, French. You're a wonderful friend: giving hugs, giggling, and making time for everyone when they need it. You're a wonderful sister: making sure your siblings are doing okay, and having fun when all of you need it. You are a wonderful person, Anna. And I really wish you could see yourself from my point of view. You'd be amazed.

For your birthday, I want you to be happy. Truly happy. Happy with a capital H. The kind when you smile for no reason, and walk on air. I only wish that this gift could be wrapped in a box with a pretty pink bow. But you know what else I want for you? I want you to have a day without worries, or fears. One where you can see how much of an amazing person you are, and one where all of the self-doubts and second guessings just fly away into the setting sun, never to be seen again.

That's my wish for you. And as you enter another year of your life, I hope that you'll continue your search for happiness.

And Anna? I want you to find your destination. And I want you to send me a postcard when you get there, wherever it may be, because no matter what, it'll be the best place on earth.

You are an amazing and beautiful person, Anna, both inside and out.

Lots of love,
Claire

Day 256 - Hello there

Hey you,

I like you.

There, I said it.

Too bad it's not in person, and too bad I probably won't ever say this in person.

We have two classes together this year, and I must admit, I look forward to both of them eversomuch, not because I love the subjects, but because you make them fun. We have side conversations, and crack jokes. Make plans, talk about clubs, classes, weekends, and life.

It's so easy to be around you. And it feels so natural. When we're walking from one class to the next, I smile whenever you get excited over something, like what you did at work the other day, or the exciting plans you have for the weekend.

I also must admit, my heart sped up when you grabbed my shoulders with enthusiasm, and when you lightly touched my arm to get me to slow down from leaving class. I like the way you always want me to help you with homework, when there are at least four other people at the table who are easily as capable. But you know I'll come.

I'm sorry this is disjoint, and I really hope you don't see this. But I just thought I should put it out there. And since I'm definitely not going to say this to you in real life, at least I can know that it's not just inside me. I wish you could just intuitively know this, and let me know how you feel too. Maybe not outright, but in some way. Something that will show me that I'm not falling for someone who has other girls always on his mind, like I did last year. Something that will show me (or not show me) if you feel the same way.

It's okay if you don't. I've dealt with that before. But the curiosity really is killing me.

C

Day 250 - Back to School, Back to Craziness.

Sorry for no post in a while - I've been kind of busy with the beginning of school. But here's what's been going on:

Sunday everyone just hung out - we had a "family" reunion dinner, and just went all over the place for food, hanging out, and desserts. Monday was a blast: a group of us dressed up in our favorite sundresses, coats, and boots and treked over to the Law Quad in a misty rain and the cold to take some amazing "family" photos. It was a blast, except for the fact that I had goosebumps for hours afterward. The pictures turned out really well, and I've already gotten some of them printed at CVS to put on my photo wall.

Tuesday was the beginning of classes, and boy, did I have to hit the ground running. I had class from 11-4, with no breaks in between. But here's a recap:

11-12: Linear Algebra. Overall, the class went well; the material we're learning right now is painfully boring, but the teacher is decent. It seems as if he isn't comfortable speaking in front of people, because his hand kept shaking, and he wouldn't look anyone in the eye. Though he's not a bad teacher, the class seemed to drag on - I'm not sure whether it was the slow progress of the material, or whether it was just because it was the first class of the year. Anyway, I checked my watch (or, rather, Henry's watch) about every 2 minutes beginning 20 minutes into class (it's a 50 minute class).

12-1: Honors Calculus 3. This. Class. Is. Amazing. I love love love the professor, and the material isn't going too quickly. I mean, it probably helps that I have seen the material before (I took a Calc 3 online course in high school), but still. The professor said we could call him Alejandro, as long as we didn't sing the Lady Gaga song when we said it. He's pretty funny. He also said that the quintessential image we need ingrained in our mind to picture 3-D space is a cereal box. Preferably Lucky Charms. Yes, he is that amazing.

1-2:30: Literary Theory. The professor is British, so I don't mind listening to her talk, though the classroom was unbearably stuffy and there seemed to be way too many people in a tiny little room. I had a friend in this class, so it was great to have a familiar face (I have groups of friends in both math classes) ,and I also saw some people from my English classes from last semester, which was great as well. Unfortunately, I sat right next to a guy who I wanted to punch in the face whenever he raised his hand. Really, though, this guy was a major prick: name-dropping who he had read, acting all snobby, throwing out fancy words just to raise himself up. We had to write our own definition of "literature" and he made his all complex and everything, then scoffed when I gave mine. I was like, "Hey dude, I understand that I don't use hoity-toity words in my definition, but that doesn't mean that my opinion on what literature is is any less valuable than yours." But I didn't. I wish I had the guts to.

2:30-4: Asian-American Literature. This was the class I was most hesitant about. It was the last one I chose, and was the class that put me at 18 credits (the maximum allowed in one semester). Overall, it was really fun. Our teacher spent the first half hour or so having us pass our Chi around the room - she wanted the "good energy" to flow through us. Then we decided that what we learned from the exercise was that she was Crazy. With a capital C. The syllabus doesn't look too bad - lots of online readings and such, until the end of the semester, where she wants us to read two books a week. That might be a problem.

After class, I went to the Cupcake Station with some friends to pick up cupcakes (did you guess that?) for a friend's birthday. She turned 20. It's crazy how old we're all getting.

We had dinner at a nice dorm, and then had a hall meeting at 9:00. Pretty standard. Don't smoke pot, don't drink copious amounts of alcohol, be respectful, clean the bathrooms, etc.. We went up and had cupcakes for the birthday celebration, and then I did homework and went to bed.

Today I had both math classes and another English course: Shakespeare's Early Plays. I've had the professor before (for Intro to Poetry last semester), and that was the reason I took the course. I think it's going to go well - yes, I have to read a play each week, and yes, it will be demanding. But he's such an amazing professor, I really don't mind.

What will be a problem is the fact that I intentionally made my schedule thinking that math homework would be due on Fridays, so I made my Thursday classes light (I only have two English classes tomorrow). But nope. In both of the math classes, the homework will be due on a Wednesday. And yes, I have 5 hours of class on Tuesdays.

This'll certainly be an interesting semester. But surprisingly, I really can't wait to see how it all turns out.

I have a feeling things will be great.

Day 246(?) - Cheering from the North

So much has happened in the last couple of days.

Thursday was full of packing, because Friday I moved into my dorm (the same dormitory as last year, same roommate, but different room). It was so humid yesterday - it felt like Louisiana right before the afternoon storm, but it stayed like that the entire day. It was amazing to see all of my friends again: Nicolette, Brighid, and Leah came later, but it was great to see Julia, Elizabeth, and Michelle before the day ended. I went to dinner with Julia and Anna, whi was dressed as Madonna for spirit practice for color guard (the flags on the field during the pre-game and half-time show).

Today I woke up early and a group of 11 of us went to the local Farmer's Market. I snapped some nice shots, and got a great loaf of bread to make sandwiches.

We came back to the dorm for brunch (I missed the vanilla cinnamon bagels oh so much) and then split up to just hang out for a bit. I worked on room decorations and finally finished putting all of my photos up. It's crazy how quickly school has become to feel like home. After that, I went to Espresso Royale to read with a friend (we were using it for the air conditioning) and then followed it up with a visit to Starbucks to meet with a girl I met last year in my poetry class. It was so nice to see her again, and we definitely still have a lot to talk about.

I came back to my dorm and just putzed around for a bit - hung out with other people, and ended up going back to the Farmer's Market to pick up some extra virgin olive oil to dip the bread in (I didn't realize when I bought it that it was the type of bread for oil, not margarine). They didn't have any normal containers to put it in (it was a co-op grocery store, and the oil was in a tub with a spigot), so I grabbed the next best thing: a bear people usually put honey in. His name is Giuseppe, the Italian honey bear. We figured Italian bears would like oil better than honey anyway.

I had an amazing dinner date with one of my friends, and then a bunch of people came to hang out in our room. Oh, and the power went out. For an hour and a half. It was great. Really.
I bonded with my hall mates by bringing them cookies, and we actually got to know each other, all while playing Catch Phrase and Taboo. It was really fun, until someone told us the power was back on. Then everyone dispersed. Then people came over.

I went to take a shower (about a half hour ago) and because it's a bit of a walk to the bathroom, I brought a bathrobe this year. It's pretty. But pretty short. Still decent, but short (not one of the ones that goes down to your ankles). Anyway, I was coming back from the shower and there were two guys trying to hide a beer box in the recycling, and they let me through without too much trouble. They were honestly kind of embarrassed (they're freshman, and I was a sophomore girl standing with dripping hair while they struggled with folding a box ... I'd be embarrassed too). I passed their room, and a guy comes out holding an unopened beer bottle. I pass him, and the next thing I know, I hear a low whistle.

It's clear that they're keeping it classy.

As strange as it was ... I do have to admit that it's nice to know that I'm somewhat decent looking even after I've stepped out of the shower. :)

Day 244 - Thank You.

Wow. It's been crazy, this past week or so. We've not had Internet, but I just fixed it yesterday. Now I'm trying to get organized during packing, but it's not going too well. Oh well. At least I have a nice sign for my roommate for when she gets to school.

Yesterday I helped my mom in her classroom, and saw an old mentor. And I thought it would be a good occasion for a letter.

Dear Mr. P,

Thank you. I know those aren't words enough to express my gratitude to you, but it's the only thing I can think to say.

You've helped me. More so than you can even imagine. Our before-school chats would always start the day off right, and you were one of the few adults who I could talk freely to about anything and everything: school stresses, plans for the future, worries about what is to come. Boys. Clubs. Friends. Non-friends. Everything. And as strange as it sounds, you've turned into the confident that I wish I shared with my dad. Leo is so lucky to grow up with you.

Last November, I came in to talk to you during my Thanksgiving Break. I was stressed, and wondering whether I would every truly love Michigan. And I must admit, your words spoke wonders. You gave me the advice everyone else was giving: follow your heart. But when you said it, you also told me your opinion: I needed to do English. And maybe it's because of you that I am an English major today. You've inspired me, and have showed me that an English major really can be successful.

I went to visit you yesterday, and it was even better. We talked about school, my trepidations (you called me crazy), as well as what's been going on with you. I didn't realize how much of a big deal you are :P.

Day ??? - Losing Track

I've lost track of where I am on the countdown. I'll be more on the ball in a little while. But, in the mean time.

1 week. The time until I am at a home again.
1 week. The time since I have left my other home.

I miss them both terribly. The south and school. And right now, I'm in a place that isn't home. I'm in a place that I don't belong.

I'm in my hometown, but so much has changed. I've changed. And though I know that change is good, I still don't like the feeling that I don't fit in anymore.

The old group of my friends hangs out without me. Do things that I don't necessarily agree with, but which distance them from me all the same.

I don't talk to the people I used to. And when we do talk, it's different. Strange. Abnormal.

I miss the person who made this feel a little more like home. The person I came back for, but now she's gone. And I know it's for the best. She needed to go, and I knew she was going to, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's hard, balancing letting her know that I miss her and trying not to make her miss home even more.

In 1 week, I'll be back at school, with the  friends I have made throughout the year. I'll be back with people who understand me, and who don't pressure me to change. I'll be back in my own room, with my roommate, chatting about the summer and making plans for the future.

A couple of weeks from that, I'll be on a plane headed down south for the weekend. Back to where life is normal, and to a place where I can catch up with summer friends, and speak with a drawl without people making fun of it.

Right now I'm in a place of transition. I'm in a place that used to be something, but that now is just ... nothing.

I'm not home. And I wish I were.

Day 217-226 - Letters

I'm sorry I haven't posted. I've been busy packing [I'm leaving Louisiana tomorrow morning] and it's been family time. But I've been thinking of some people, and want to write some letters.

Dear Gram,
It's been a while since I've written to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not only the lack of communication, but because I know you're probably upset that I'm leaving Louisiana so soon. There are three weeks left until I start my sophomore year of college, and though that could mean more time in Baton Rouge, I'm going up north to see friends before they leave, and repack for the new year.

I thought of you a lot when I went to visit Mema. I love her, but I must admit, every time I see her, it makes me miss you more. I printed a photo of us when I was a baby, and it's going on my wall at school. That way, I'll remember how much you loved me, and how much you still do. You can watch me as I grow up, and change. But don't worry, I'll always remember my roots.

I just learned you were a Pi Beta Phi. And maybe it means something that you were one. I've been debating rushing in the fall, been going back and forth on whether to go for it or not, to make Mema and my dad's side of the family happy. Truth be told, I wasn't all that into it, because I didn't want to be doing it just for them. But when my mom said you were a Pi Phi too, that cinched the deal. I want to be connected to you in another way, and the fact that you were one makes me believe they stand behind good causes, and are good people. It'll give me another way to be reminded of you, and I'll follow in your footsteps. I want to make you proud.

That's my ultimate goal, I guess. To make myself happy, and to make you proud. Though I know you aren't here physically to tell me your opinions, I have faith in the little signs you seem to send: a rainbow after I make a good decision, a piece of news to help. I remember the day I really needed you, the day I ended my first love. I was crying in a hotel room in New Orleans, it was raining outside, and Robert was with his girlfriend at the pool. And when I finally got up, I looked outside, and saw it had stopped raining. I couldn't see a rainbow, but I knew there was one. And something told me you were there.

Just like you always are.

I love you so much, Gram. And I want to make you proud.

I want to be a Pi Phi.

Love,
your ballerina.

Dear B,

I've been thinking of you, but we haven't talked. And I know why: I de-friended you on Facebook, and we haven't really talked on the phone or texted since we broke up. But I just wanted to let you know that you were in my dream last night.

We were at someone's house ... I recognized the floor plan, but couldn't figure out whose house it was. We were finally talking, and I was so happy you would respond to me. But then we kissed. And I really can't believe that my heart could beat that fast in a dream. It was like real life, but I still knew it was a dream.

But the doubts came, just like they did when we were together. I was worried you were with Hannah, someone who goes to your church and who you hang out with. You two banter, and I have had ideas in the past about you two. I'm just surprised they came into my dream.

It was all so real. I really can't believe it, but it's true.

I'm writing this letter here because I need to get it out. I need to write this somewhere, and I figure that this blog is as good a place as any; at least it's better than writing the letter and actually sending it to you. I've thought of that before. When I get fortunes from cookies that I think you would enjoy, or postcards I giggle at, or just song lyrics that remind me of you. I have this urge to write it on a scrap of paper and just send it. No need for a return address.

But I'm afraid you would know it was me. And I'm afraid to know what would happen. I mean, the last time we talked, I found out you had just asked out another girl. That was the same day I realized that I really did love like you. And it was two days before I left for the summer for a place you probably still don't believe is my home. I've wondered what it'll be like once I'm back up north. Whether we'll see each other; whether you'll know I'm back; whether you'll even care.

I wonder whether we'll run into each other in a store, or on the street. Whether you'll look out your window as I run past, or go to the park the same day I do as I try to recreate some of the Louisiana sunshine. I wonder ... whether you'll think of everything that's gone on between us and be saddened, like I am. If you'll think of all the memories, of all the "could have beens," or even the "should have beens," and want to reconnect.

A lot of wondering has gone on. And more probably will. But I know that there will be no answers, because I am me, and you are you, and we aren't what we were before. I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. And if you look at either of my blogs, I'm sure you'll see that you're on my mind.

I miss you, Probably more that both of us is willing to admit.

C.

Day 213 - 216 - Delayed Delta and "Tea" Parties

Monday 8/1
I went to the airport at 5:00 a.m., only to find that my 6:30 flight was delayed until 7:30. Thanks Delta for letting me know I could have slept in another hour. The delay was then pushed back until 9:10, and so I had to rebook my connecting flight. No big deal. But then they up and cancelled the flight. So I had to completely rebook my travel plans, and the stupid people at the counter were saying that the best they could do was have me land in Tampa, Florida at 1 a.m.. Sorry, buddy, but that just wasn't going to work.

I eventually got a flight out of New Orleans, so my mom drove me down there, and I landed in Tampa at 6:45 (I was originally supposed to get in at 12:35 p.m.). I went to my grandmother's house and basically just fell asleep after eating some dinner.

Tuesday 8/2
My grandma and I went shopping and I got a rather adorable black cardigan. It has rosettes and a scoop neckline. I'm in love with it, and I may have a slight obsession with rosettes.

My grandma invited some of her friends over for a "tea" party. Mostly they drank wine, with a couple people (including myself) opting for water. Gossip and goodies were shared. We took pictures.

Wednesday 8/3
My grandma and I basically just hung around her house. I gave her a computer lesson (which she will promptly forget) and a cell phone lesson (for which she had all the directions and just hadn't taken the time to learn). Quite honestly, that's all we did. Or all that's worth noting.

Thursday 8/4
I hung around at my grandma's for the morning, and then drove to the airport in a massive thunderstorm. It was amazing.

My flight from Tampa went pretty well - there was no overweight neighbor passenger, and the flight only left about 15 minutes late (not bad considering my first day of travel!). The problems started when I arrived in Atlanta. First, I had to get a seat assignment, which actually wasn't too bad. But then the plane was delayed 15 minutes ... 30 minutes ... the pilots came off (with their luggage). We moved to a different gate, with a different plane. We got on. We waited. An hour.

By the time we finally took off, we were supposed to have landed in Raleigh. But it all worked out - I landed at 11:30ish and my cousin came to get me. We chatted for a bit once we got back to her house, and finally crashed into bed around 2:00 a.m.

Though I loved visiting my grandma an seeing her friends again, it's also really nice to be with someone around my age (my cousin is older, but we still have fun). I'm not sure what today will bring, but I'll be sure to keep everything updated while I have access to WiFi!

Day 209 - 212 - Lazy Louisiana

I apologize for the lack of posts. The last week has been absolutely crazy, and I think you'll see why. I'm breaking up the week into two chunks: pre-leaving and post-leaving.

Thursday 7/28
From what I can remember, nothing much happened this day. My mom and I went to get some school supplies, and just hung around for most of the day. I believe we went tanning, as well, and I got more color.

Friday 7/29
More lazy day. My dad worked for most of the day, but when he came home, my mom and I tanned by the pool. My dad was supposed to join us, but got caught up inside with something (cleaning the coffee maker, maybe?) and by the time he was going to come down, it had started pouring. That's basically how the last week has been in Baton Rouge: rainy. Lots and lots of rain.

Saturday 7/30

My parents and I went over to one of my dad’s coworker’s houses tonight for dinner. I knew they had kids, but I didn’t realize they have the four most adorable little daughters on the face of the planet.

Highlights of the evening:

• “Momma, where that cute little boy at?” Referring to my dad.
• Watching the four of them do a true wrestle-mania on the living room couch.
• Fixing the DVD player, and finding that Gracie has a huge crush on Joey Parker (Drew Seeley) in Another Cinderella Story.
• Having Mackenzie, the youngest, climb into my mom’s lap.
• Having my photo taken a lot because “your phone is cool!”
• “Huggling” - cross between hugging and cuddling. Used to get everyone into the photo.
• “Squish more!!”
• Molly asking me to sleep over.
• Playing airplane.
• Watching Gracie eat mass amounts of bread … but only the insides.
• “Kitty!!”
• Hearing what they were “fixin’” to do.
• “Daddy, who’s dippin’ the ice cream?”

It was a good night overall. I have officially lost my heart to the four girls (Maddie, Gracie, Molly, and Mackenzie) and their southern drawls. I absolutely cannot wait to see them again.

Sunday 7/31

I finished packing for my trip and just lazed around all day. I went to bed super early, because my alarm was set for 4:30 a.m. on Monday. It was a pretty rude awakening, but it all worked out. I made sure the fish were all clean and fed and everything, showered and straightened my hair in order to look good in the airport and not have to deal with a hot appliance in the wee hours of the morning. I think I went to bed somewhere around 8:30 p.m., and slept throughout the night. I was rather surprised.

Day 208 - A Blizzard as a Shadow

Today my mom went to the dentist, and ended up staying for close to 5 hours. She came home and I made her some pudding to eat. She's up and moving around now, and she was able to talk on the phone right after she came back, but I still know her mouth is a bit tender.

Most of the day I just lounged around - watched 27 Dresses and Pawn Stars. Worked out for the first time in a while. It felt really good - ran on the treadmill (it was raining outside, so I couldn't go for a real run) and then biked for close to 45 minutes. It always helps me to bring a giant book to read while I exercise, but I was disappointed with the gym facility - they turned the music up so that it was rather loud and I couldn't concentrate much.

I came back and talked to my cousin about some details for my visit next week (I'm super excited about it!!) and then just hung around and had dinner. I've taken a shower, cleaned my bathroom, tidied my closet, sorted laundry into loads, and made sugar cookies ... all while having a cat as my shadow.

No, I'm not kidding. Blizzard (the weird cat who likes to "hide") has been trailing me all day. I didn't mind it for the first four hours, but when she continually whines and butts her head against my calf, my patience wears thin. I must admit, I shoved her out of the way a couple of times (I didn't kick her, I promise!). She would be fine in my bedroom, where she would just hang out underneath my bed. but whenever I moved, or went to the kitchen, she would just want to "help," not realizing that cats really shouldn't try to help take cookies out of a hot oven.

Let's just hope tomorrow isn't another "mommy's little helper" days.

Day 207 - No right arm.

Today has been a very long day. I woke up super early (well ... super early compared to when I have been waking up) and went to Lenscrafters with my mom to get her an eye exam and new glasses. I didn't do much, but did have some quality reading time while sitting in the lobby.

We eventually went out and ran errands: Walgreens, Office Depot, and Albertson's, and I got a lot of my school supplies. Granted, there will still be a Target run pretty soon to get the random things (electric kettle, tea, socks) but it feels great to have all of the school supply shopping done.

For the rest of the afternoon I've basically just been hanging out. My right wrist is absolutely killing me (hence the short post tonight), and even though I've had it in a brace for almost 10 hours, the pain just seems to get stronger. Right now it's not too bad, but the idea of chopping off my right arm has definitely crossed my mind. It has come to the point where I was in pain to chop up three zucchini for dinner, and having the brace off just for those few minutes hurt my wrist. I'm hoping that having it on throughout the night will help, and maybe tomorrow it'll be magically healed.

Otherwise, I'm going for the saw. After all, I am a lefty ... my right hand is just superfluous, right?

Day 203-206 - Make-up Posts

This weekend was crazy what with my friend Lizzie visiting. Here are quick snippets about what we did, followed by something more ... personal. I hope you enjoy.

Friday
Friday was a fun day - we went to the mall to go shopping (obviously) and I got some amazing clothes both for my trip and for back-to-school. We stopped by Victoria's Secret PINK and I picked up some yoga pants that have LSU tags on them (TIGERS is on the fold-over lip, and there's a tiger head underneath the PINK label on my left thigh). Then we went to lunch (we had Raising Cane's - it was superb, as always). We hit up New York & Company because they had a super cute sundress I was hoping to wear to my grandma's tea party that she's hosting (I'm the guest of honor), but ended up walking out with two pairs of skinny jeans (that is also the new store I will buy jeans from) and a button-down top (sleeveless, brown pinstripes, and ruffles at the collar) that should be good for travelling, school, and maybe even the tea party. We finally stopped at Delia's and I picked up a new Out of Print t-shirt (Pride & Prejudice - I love it) and two other graphic tees (a dinosaur one and a penguin one).

Saturday
We lounged around in the morning (I believe) and then in the afternoon we went to visit Rosedown plantation. It was absolutely gorgeous. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner - delicious. We dressed nicely, which was definitely a good thing because we saw a ton of really cute guys. No complaints. We also went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. We cried. A lot. As in, more than I'd like to admit.

Sunday
It was rainy all day, so we just relaxed. We hung out on our computers and sang along to music. Laughed, giggled, and overall just had a nice day. Went out for one last lunch (to Times, one of my favorite restaurants down here) and had a great chat about everything and anything under the sun.

Monday
Today we drove Lizzie to the airport and then my mom and I went to the dollar store to pick up some things she was looking for for her classroom. I ended up getting some wall decals for my dorm room, a laundry hamper, and a Winnie the Pooh coloring book with crayons. It was a pretty successful trip. After that, we've just hung around, enjoying having some much-missed mother-daughter time, and making sure Lizzie made it through her flights alright (first flight delayed, almost missed her second one, which was then delayed (almost cancelled) around 4 hours). She's back home now.

Overall, it was great to see Lizzie again. I guess I didn't really realize how much I truly missed my friends in the north until I saw one of them. Sure, Skype changes a lot of things, and it's nice to stay in contact via Facebook and texting, but it's also nice to be able to hug one of your best friends. Or have a second (or third) opinion while shopping. Or just be able to belt out random lyrics and random times and have her understand you.

I'll miss her. But I also know that it's only 3 weeks until I get to see everyone. I can't wait.

Warning: Personal
That's not to say you can't read. But I know that some people shy away from some of the more personal stuff that I write. I thought it was only fair to give a warning. This is something I just wrote for Tumblr, but I thought it might be nice to put it here too. Just some late night musings.


So I just spent about 20 minutes going through one of my Word documents that holds some of the conversations with people I never want to forget; there are text messages, facebook chats, even some blog posts. But each one is special to me, and for whatever reason I want to always have it with me, not just in my memory.


Looking back, I can see who has truly cared about me. Whether it's my cousin who sent me a five word text that has changed and inspired me ("Dear Claire, I admire you.") or a blog post from one of my best friends about how to make it through a rough time or a facebook chat with my on-again-off-again crush asking me what the "fat man" gave me for Christmas, all have been saved. Including a fair amount of conversations between me and him.


Yes, I realize that going through this document may not necessarily let me truly "let go" of anyone who isn't in my life anymore. But no, I refuse to delete things out of this document. It's like an unspoken ... or unwritten ... rule. Never delete. Only add. I can change the format, I can rearrange the order of things, but I can never, and will never, delete any message. Because sometimes it's not the message that's important, but it's the moment in which I thought it was that is important. It's not that I wanted to get a slurpee with a friend, it's that it was at a time when my wishing for the North was at its peak - it was when I wanted my life to return to "normal," whatever that was.


But going through the document tonight has made me realize just how much my life has changed in the past year. This time last year (almost to the date), I had a conversation with one of my best friends (who actually just left to head back to Michigan today) in which I was begging to go back to my hometown. I exclaimed "this isn't my life" and "I want to come home."


I didn't accept my reality. It was my life, and always has been. And this is home now. It's strange to imagine a time that I was yearning to go back to the place I now shy away from (for the most part). That the place I've been alienating once held such an important place in my heart. Yes, I can remember, and yes, it makes sense. My hometown in Michigan was all I grew up with, it was where my friends/boyfriend were; it was where my belongings were; it was where my history was, and where I hoped part of my future would lie. It was home.


But with everything that has gone on in the past year, college, moving, the break-up, the loss of friendships, and so much more, it's no wonder things have shifted.This is where I call home. This is where m family is, and my belongings. This is where some of my most treasured memories are (plantation tours with my dad, pool water fights with my brother, library trips with my mom, even quality time with my grandma). No, most of my friends are still in Michigan, and yes, my history still lies there as well. But my history doesn't have as much of a hold on me as it did last year.


And as much as my former self would hate to admit it, I'm overjoyed that I have finally left "the bubble" and have started a new chapter of my life.


I'm glad that I am home.

Day 202 - Goodnight Mike!

Today Lizzie and I woke up pretty late (around 11:00-ish). What neither of us realized was that the other one was actually awake when it looked like we were sleeping .... so since neither of us wanted to wake the other up, we both just stayed still. Oops.

We finally got up, had lunch (since breakfast time had definitely passed), and then made a absolutely disgusting cake-in-a-mug thing. I mean, this thing was gross. The sides were slimy, the inside was dry, the eggs tasted cooked, there really was no peanut butter taste, and the glaze just soaked into the cake to make it squishy. Gross.

We went down to the pool, and got a little sun. Last night, my parents bought us each a float-raft thing for the pool, so we had fun with those (trying to stay on them ... trying to push each other under the fountains ... playing games with them). It started to rain, so we decided to go back to the apartment and just hang out for a while. We went to the library (I needed a book) and to Starbucks (we both got venti teas) and to CVS (candy stop!). Coming back, we had dinner, and then went to see Mike the Tiger at LSU. Yes. It was exciting.

Mike VI was basically ripping up grass and trying to eat it (he forgot he was a carnivore). People were making noises and everything trying to get his attention, but he was pretty intent on ripping up the grass. We overheard a guy who said he went to see Mike two or three times per week, and he used to see the vet there and ask him tons of questions every day. He hasn't seen the vet in a couple of months - he comes in the mornings now. I don't blame him.

Day 201 - The first burn of the season.

Today Lizzie and I woke up a bit late (maybe around 10:30 or so ...) and just hung around for a bit (we had originally planned on going straight down to the pool, but it was closed for maintenance). Around 12:00 we went down, and ended up laying out/playing in the pool for close to 2 1/2 hours.

We came back up to the apartment and decided where we were going to go for lunch: Sonic. It's a staple down here, but there are only 2 of them in the entire state of Michigan. We had to go.

Oh boy did we enjoy it ... until we had to climb the three sets of stairs to get to the apartment. Those weren't the greatest moments of our lives ....

After lunch, we had to digest a bit in order to get any energy, so we watched Switched at Birth for a bit. This is the one and only show that I actually keep track of. Maybe because it's going to be over by the time I leave for school, which means that I am able to watch it on a television and don't have to remember to get it online. Or maybe just because I like the premise of it: I find it fascinating.

While we were watching the show, I started noticing that my shoulders felt a little warm. And they were more than a little warm. And more than a little tan. Yes, they might in fact have a bit of a red color to them .... which indicates a slight burn. My back has the same thing. The only conclusion that I can come to is that when we were playing in the pool, the sunscreen came off, and because my back was to the sun most of the time, that was the body part that got burned. And yes, I'm going to have some strange tan lines (I didn't notice that my bikini bottoms were lopsided .... oops).

We went back down to the pool for a bit just to hang out - I brought a book and Beckett (the camera) and took lots of photos while Lizzie played in the water. Some of the favorites:

We came up for dinner, and have just been hanging out since then. Showering, changing, blowing up pool floats on our own. Talking. Pure amazing-ness.