Day 31 - Your Favorite Song

A new month, a new 30 day challenge. Well, I know that it's not the end of January, but it's close enough. So here begins the month of songs: for 30 days I'll try to pick a song that fits the category best. And I'll try to include a YouTube video (sometimes all I'll want you to do is listen to it, if you want to, instead of watch the video ... depending on whether there's a decent video to go with the song).

I went on my iTunes and picked a couple of songs that are my favorites right now: Brad Paisley's "Mud on the Tires," John Mayer's "Free Fallin'," and a couple of others. But I saw this at the top of my "most played" sorting, and I knew that this has got to be the song that fits the category. It may be a Christmas song, and it may not be one of John Groban's most famous songs, but it's perfect. Just listen to the lyrics.

Whenever I'm in a bad mood, Groban can cheer me up. Not only because of his amazingly soothing voice, but also because he gives me hope. There are the days where I forget to look around the world, and see past my own thoughts and troubles. I know I need to get out of my own little world and look around to see that everyone has problems too. This song helps me. It laments with me and my troubles, but gently reminds me that there are worse things in life.

After all, "It's up to us to be the change. And even though we all can still do more, there's so much to be thankful for."

What am I thankful for? Lots of things. For my family, and friends. And the ability to go to college and get an amazing education. For being loved, and being able to love. For having food, and clothes, and a bed to sleep in. And right now, I'm also thankful for this song.

Day 30 - Your Reflection in the Mirror

Dear me,

You have your flaws. Your dark secrets and your unspeakable fears. You have your off moods, and days where it seems like nothing goes right. You have your procrastination methods, and are sometimes quick to get irritated. You have your ups, and your downs, and your all-arounds. You have the running-around-like-a-chicken-with-its-head-cut-off moments, as well as "I really should be doing something, but let's just go on Facebook instead" moments. You can make rash decisions, and have many regrets.

But you also are quick to laugh, and crack corny jokes. You love snow, and winter, and water. You know mathematical proofs and English literature, along with the Swedish national anthem and all of the verses to Amazing Grace. You have sweaters that feel like hugs, and pass those hugs along to those who need them. You love learning, and are learning to love. You appreciate what you have been given, and try to give to others who may not be as lucky as you are, whether it be in emotional or material ways. You have dreams and ambitions, and strive to reach them. To top it all off, you have the best family and friends a person could ask for, who support you in your endeavors, whether they be small or large, and who are there for you even in what seems like the darkest hour.

You may not be perfect, and some days you may look in that mirror and hate what you see. But you are beautiful. And, most importantly, you are what makes me ... well ... me.

Love always.

(p.s. I made it. 30 days. Every post. And it certainly doesn't seem like that long!! Only 335 more days)

Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to

Hey you.

I wish I could tell you everything: my biggest fears, my true feelings, my constant worries, my overwhelming thoughts and dreams, my ins and outs, my flaws, my self-conscious parts, my every thought about you, and how much I really care.

I want to. So so much. But something prevents me. Perhaps it's worry, perhaps it's trust. Perhaps it's my trepidations to give you every part of me and expect not to be broken. Or perhaps it's just me.

Sometimes the words are on the tip of my tongue - the whole dam of everything I want to tell you is trying to burst out. But my tongue and brain are the strongest levees. And they are sometimes my worst enemies.

I want you to know everything, but I can't let you bear all of that, nor can I let myself unleash it all and then deal with the afterthoughts: the guilt of putting all of that on your shoulders, the worries of being hurt, the fear of you knowing everything and changing your opinion of me.

Maybe you'll learn some of the things I want to tell you. Eventually. But until the mountain of words can crush my iron-clad tongue and brain, I hope you will just be there, and know that I want nothing more than for you to know me. The whole me.

I want to tell you.
But I can't.
I'm sorry.

Day 28 - Someone that changed your life

There are a ton of people who this could go out to - I'm truly not exaggerating when I say that everyone that I come in contact with changes my life, even if it is just for a moment. And there are a lot of people who I would love to write this letter to. If I could, I would write to each and every one of them, and maybe I will by the end of this year. Quite frankly, I'm still debating who to write this letter to even as I type this sentence. And this one. And even this one. It's not an easy decision. But here it goes ....

Hey Rob,

I know you've already gotten a letter (Day 4 maybe?) but I think you deserve another one. How have you changed my life? It's impossible to list all of the ways, but let me try and express some of them.

Well, first off, you're my brother. So it's no wonder that you have changed my life. We've only kind of, sort of grown up together. I remember the little things from growing up, the lemonade stands out by the curb (free ice!!), the Flintstone cars, and the Klutz family adventures.

You've changed my views of dedication - even when swimming meant getting up at 4:15 a.m., or giving up Christmas break, or long days and hair that resembled the mange, you didn't give up. It seemed like whenever you couldn't swim, you couldn't wait to get back to it. Watching you swim for so long not only allowed me an outlet for cheering loudly, but also taught me to never give up. And even though you don't swim now, I still look to you for an example of dedication, a reminder to keep on going, even when the going is not so pleasant.

You've also taught me to let loose and be myself. I've broken out of my shell, and stepped outside my comfort zone, which is something that you aren't afraid to do. Your extroversion used to sometimes get on my nerves, I'm not going to lie, but especially in college, I've learned that extroversion is the only way to make new friends, and to be myself doing it. Your ability to make friends even on the shortest of trips has always impressed me, and someday I wish that I can do that: make bonds that are strong but not fake, lasting but not oppressing.

But despite all of these outside influences that you have, you still do what is best for you. Certainly, it seems as if you try to make other people proud, but ultimately, I know that your intentions are your own. You don't do things because someone you know wants you to - you do them because you want to.

Well, I know that I want you to know that you've changed my life. In so so many ways. But I like that - I like that a lot (even if I don't always show it).

Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Hey there,

I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name. We met at the UROP work-study information session, and again at the resume workshop. I remember you said that you commuted to your classes, and you were born in India.

I wish I could see you around campus, because it seemed as if in the two or three hours I knew you, we really hit it off. But unfortunately, I don't think that I could pick you out of a crowd now.

You won't see this, and I'm fairly certain that you don't remember me. I have a good memory for random people, and I've learned that a lot of people don't share that gift. But sometimes that gift is a curse, because I remember the really nice people that I want to get to know, but can't, because we were thrown together by pure chance.

Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to

Dear Becky,

I promised you that I would go to a Delt party if my friends left by 11:30. I didn't go. Partly because I didn't want to, partly because you were so insistent, and partly because my friends didn't leave.

I had told you that I wouldn't prolong the visit, but that I also wouldn't push my friends out the door. And truthfully, I lied. We chatted for a long while, but I still don't think that I deliberately prolonged the visit. It was more like I hadn't seen either of them in months, and we had a lot to catch up on.

You were so insistent on me going to the party, and I must ask, why? There have been DTD parties in the past that you haven't pushed me to come to, so why now? I guess that is what I don't understand ...

I don't really have issues with frat parties. But not on Friday nights ... the weeks are long, and especially after a hockey game, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep until the next morning. The least appealing option is to have a long day, then go to a hockey game, then deal with drunk people, and then finally go back to my dorm to sleep, and not be productive the next day.

I can't afford to waste that time right now. It's fine if you do. It's fine if everyone else does. But I just couldn't go. And I'm sorry I didn't fulfill the pinky promise.

Day 25 - The person you know that is going through bad times

Hey love,

You may think that the world is all bad, and that no one will stand behind you. But please don't think that, because it's not true. I'll be here. Whenever and wherever you need me.

Though I know the distance isn't the greatest thing in the world, don't let it get in the way and believe that you can't come to me. If you ever need me, my phone is always on, and my car keys are only a couple of minutes away (if I'm not in my room already).

You've gone through a lot. Too much for me to fathom, and too much that is fair for someone to go through. We both know that life isn't fair. But just because life isn't fair doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a run for its money ... fight until the finish.

And know that I'll be fighting right alongside you.

Day 24 -The person that gave you your favorite memory

Favorite memory? Isn't that kind of like choosing a favorite puppy? Or favorite child? Or favorite hair on your head? It's nearly impossible. So instead of choosing my favorite memory, I'll choose one that is close to it ... I believe. And it's an ongoing memory ....

Dear Mom,

Our roadtrips are awesome. Really and truly. I mean, not many people (at least that I know) would be willing to spend 17 hours in the car with their mother. But we did it ... multiple times. And both of us have survived.

Roadtripping with you isn't a chore. You're relaxed about music, and talk about anything (and sometimes everything). And although I would have gone with you either way, to Baton Rouge and to the colleges, it was certainly nice to not dread the car rides, even though we did get lost in Rhode Island .... somehow.

One roadtrip that jumps out at me is last year during midwinter break. Sammy came down with us, but that's not what made it special. It was waking up in Fultondale, AL on Valentine's Day morning and finding special cards slid under our door. It was the fact that even though we were in transit, and couldn't really celebrate in a normal way (Chuck E. Cheese anyone?), you still found a way to make it special for us.

The whole reason why we had to roadtrip kind of sucked. Ideally, we wouldn't have had to. But we did, and I'm not sure about you, but I'd do it again. And again. And again. I love being your navigator: I-75 to 71 to 65 to 20/59 to 12 to 10. I still remember the directions.

Day 23 - The last person you kissed

I must admit, I tried to find a loophole for this post. If we're getting technical about it, I pecked my mom on the cheek yesterday when she dropped me off at the hockey arena. But I just realized that a post to the original recipient wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be. So ...

Hey Ben.

You've had one other letter addressed to only you. And here is another. People might think that other letters are for you but they'd be wrong. I address a lot of the topics that you'd fit in to to a group (aka, I don't write it just to one person). I just wanted to let you know that. I'm not sure if it'll make any of this better.

You were the last person I kissed. We were in the car, and I was leaving the next day to go down to Baton Rouge for winter break. I had taken my last final that morning, and had driven back to Grosse Pointe and made chocolates with you and people from your church. I guess I knew that something was up then - the fact that we wouldn't have seen each other that night if the host wasn't so understanding, as well as your hesitation to drive back home with me now seem like blatant indicators that we were going to go downhill, or already were.

I saw you yesterday. I gave you homemade marshmallows to see if they were poisoned. But in all honesty, I wonder whether we would have seen each other if I hadn't called. I probably shouldn't have, now that I think about it. But on Thursday night you seemed so insistent on seeing me. In fact, you "needed" to. But why?

Did you want to "test the waters" of our new-old friendship? Was it to ease your own feelings or something? Make sure that I was "holding up"? I could have told you that. But thanks anyways, because now that I have seen you outside of "us," I realize that we weren't all that special. That's not to say that I don't treasure what we had, but rather that what we had has run its course. And it seems like everything is gone.

I'm not going to lie: when I was in Baton Rouge, I missed you. I missed the way we would watch movies, cuddled on the couch. I missed not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend. But something (or a lot of things) has changed; when I saw you yesterday, there was no longing. In fact, there wasn't really anything. I was me and you were you. And there wasn't anything between us.

I don't mean to say that we aren't still friends. But rather, we're a different kind of 'friend.' It's been so long since I haven't liked you, it's almost a breath of fresh air to be able to say "been there, done that" to our relationship.

So I guess that's it. We'll still talk, if you want to. And if you see this and hate me for it, can you please do me a favor and just let me know? But this is the final letter addressed solely to you (at least from the list for January).

I realize now that I'm glad you still apply to this title. I really wouldn't want to have it any other way.

Day 22 - Someone You Want to Give a Second Chance To

So I know that I've blown it - I didn't post yesterday, and the post that I just posted isn't like the others. And I hate to say that this one won't be either.

I honestly cannot think of anyone I would want to give a second chance to. That sounds horribly mean, but it's true. The people who deserve a second chance are those that would never do anything to force that to become an option; I mean, the people who I care enough about and would be willing to give a second chance wouldn't ever put themselves in a situation that would force me to have to debate whether they were worthy of a second chance.

There have been plenty of people who I have given a second chance to - and many of them have already had letters addressed to them. But even though I may believe in second chances for certain people, I don't believe in third chances for anyone. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on both of us for letting the relationship come to that.

I'm sorry if this wasn't what you were hoping for. You may be reading this hoping that I would give you a second chance. If this is the case, then I apologize. I guess you'll just have to wait a bit longer to see if I come to you and try to fix things.

Day 21 - Someone You Judged by Their First Impression

(I'm sorry this is a day late - yesterday was absolutely crazy and I didn't remember that I hadn't posted until this morning ...)

Why hello there.

I thought you were an ignorant prick. I thought that you bragged about your parents' money to try and make friends. And I thought you were trying way too hard to connect with me. But now I realize that this was just part of your personality - you thought that I fit the Grosse Pointe stereotype, so changed yourself accordingly. But I don't, so now you're normal ... or as normal as you can be.

I like you better this way.

Day 20 - The One that Broke Your Heart the Hardest

I was perusing Dear Old Love today, and one submission jumped out at me that works perfectly for today:

You broke my heart. But I take comfort in knowing you'll never be able to hurt me again.

So hello.

You may know who you are, or you may not. Sometimes I really can't tell with you. Nor do I really know if you realize that you broke my heart.

I've had let-downs before. The unrequited crush, the guy who moves away, the boy who likes some other girl. I've had my share of disappointments. But part of me thinks that you were the biggest let-down of all. That's not to say that I hate you, or that I look down upon you for what you did to me. Both of those statements are lies.

Instead, I look to you for multiple things. I look to you to see how you're getting along, because if you are doing well, then I should be doing well too. After all, I value your happiness over my own. I look to you for support, because I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without you. Granted, sometimes ... well ... most of the time ... you held me back. But I think that hurting me allowed me to be free - free to do things that I wanted to do, free to go where I wanted to go, and free to soar to heights that I never could have achieved with you. Most of all, though, I look to you in order to remember the past. You're a part of my history, and even though things might not have ended the way I thought I wanted them to, I think I would rather be where I am now than where I would be if you hadn't hurt me.

I measure other guys to your standard. But I'm not quite sure that that is a compliment. I see how much they're like you. If they aren't, then they're most likely better, and they're safe. If they remind me of you, or your habits and behaviors, then they're not good enough for me. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I realized after you broke my heart that if you were really good for me, then I wouldn't have been broken.

Or maybe I would have been broken even more, but you wouldn't have let it come to that.

Day 19 - Someone that Pesters Your Mind

Quite honestly, a lot of people pester my mind. And who pesters it at any given point in time depends on my surroundings. So I guess I'll write to the one who is currently in my mind:

Hi.

You are absolutely gorgeous. Both inside and out. Your precious face is smiling at me from my memory board ... twice ... and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. It's the text messages that seem to come from no where, but each of which holds a joke, or a memory, or a funny story. Sometimes I wish I could just put you in my pocket and carry you around with me. You always know how to make me laugh, but also know when it's time to just sit quietly and give a hug.

We've grown so close in this last year or so. I mean, we've known each other for longer, but it's just since I've come to college that we've really grown closer. So maybe it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because I guess I'm fond of you enough that the little things at school remind me of you: people carrying Starbucks, people with strawberry blonde hair, with your laugh, with your infectious smile. With your love of life.

I believe you'll read this. And I know you'll know who you are. So here's to you. Congratulations, you have infiltrated my mind. But that's not a bad thing. Because it means that wherever I am, I'll always have a little bit of you with me.

(I hope this letter makes you smile. Your letter to me did. I still have it. And I can't say it enough: thank you for everything).

Day 18 - The Person You Wish You Could Be

Dear Ideal Me,

You can dance en pointe. And ride horses. And live in seven places at once (England, the South, Grosse Pointe, Italy, in a coastal town, in the mountains, and in a high-rise apartment). You will marry the man of your dreams, who treats you like a lady and has old-fashioned ideals and manners. You'll have kids, and a dog that is your trusted confident. Your house will be spotless, and everything will be in order. You'll volunteer and help those people less fortunate than yourself. You will bake for all occasions: weddings, birthdays, bake sales, sickness.

Those are material dreams. They may not come true. And it's quite alright if they don't. More importantly, you'll think before you say anything, and consider how your words will come out before they are blurted. You'll put your friends and family before yourself, and make sure to stay in touch with people you care about. You'll tell the people you love that you love them, and you'll also love yourself. There will be bad times, I'm sure. But you'll make it through. I promise.

There are a lot of things I want to be, but most of all, I just want to be me. Please stay true to yourself (myself).

Day 17 - Someone from your Childhood

Dear Anna,

We were best friends. Granted, we were also about four years old and lived across the street from each other, but we were still best friends. We both only had brothers, and were somewhat thrown together by necessity - one mom would take the boys, the other, the girls. I remember growing up together - playing with dolls, with the Barbie houses, and watching endless princess movies.

We made plans for the future: big houses on the lake, with husbands that were twins (and who also resembled Ken ...), and kids who would grow up and be best friends just like us. We wanted to live in castles, and be whisked away by a handsome Prince Charming.

Instead you were whisked away somewhere else. Massachusetts maybe? It's been so long, I'm sorry that I can't remember. I tried to write to you once, a couple of years after you had moved, once I had finally figured out how to hold a pencil and write more than just my name. The letter came back - it appeared that you had moved again, and this time I couldn't find you.

I still have pictures of us, as well as home movies. My fourth birthday party, us playing dress-up, the normal childhood games. Sometimes I wonder what ever came of you - where you ended up, how you liked school, who your new friends were, and whether you still had a knack for punching your brothers. I tried to look you up on Facebook once, but I couldn't figure out who you were. Maybe if you give me a clue, we could actually follow through with our Princess Plan.

Day 16 - Someone that's not in Your State/Country

This could go out to too many people: almost all of my family members, lots of friends, acquaintances too. But as soon as I read the topic of the post, I knew who I had to write it to: my father.

Some background (it's a somewhat confusing situation): My dad worked in the automotive industry for 25 years. But, with the recent economic .... valley .... he had to take a job in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I still see him as much as I can, and my mom and brother and I spend holidays in the South. We're a medium-sized happy family, but just split between two states: Louisiana and Michigan.

Dear Dad,

It's been just around 18 months since you had to move down to Baton Rouge. It's been a hard 18 months for us all - too hard to describe, and too difficult to see you be upset about putting us through it. We know you love us, which is why you took a job down in Louisiana. But I guess I never realized just how much of a bittersweet position this is.

On one hand, I'm so happy that you found another job outside of GM. When you were there, I could see the work was eating away at you - the long days turned into long nights, and your stressful surroundings made you age too early. I remember when you used to travel a lot; I remember hiding behind the chair in the play room because I thought that if I didn't say goodbye to you then you couldn't leave. But as soon as you'd leave, I would be so angry at myself for not giving you a kiss goodbye. After those trips, I would be so happy to see you again - Mom wasn't able to put me to bed. Now I know that if I don't say goodbye when I have the chance to, we'll still have to leave each other.

I'm not going to lie - this situation sucks. I hate being away from you, and though I realize that were would be weeks when you were working at GM that I wouldn't see you, it was still a comfort to have the chance to if I wanted to. I could always go down to your office and see you; you were a physical entity in the same place. Now you're a physical entity somewhere else. Though we never really had heart-to-hearts, we would still have our little traditions: history lessons on the way to the airport, midnight pizza and ice cream after a tough week, and those nights when I would wander downstairs and just sit and watch TV with you if I couldn't sleep. Now I listen to music on the way to the airport, because most of the time I'm going to see you. I don't get midnight pizza, because I can never finish it. And when I wander downstairs after tossing and turning in bed, the basement is silent, and the couch is empty.

It's the little things that I miss - the half dozen or so open Perrier bottles around the house, the smell of aftershave in the bathroom, and the familiar creaks of your closet doors as you opened and closed them in the hallway. It's the way you couldn't function in the morning without at least three cups of coffee, and the way you always read the New York Times over a bowl of cereal. I miss the way you would let me pick out your ties in the morning, and how you would always check on me during the night, even in high school, to make sure I was sleeping soundly.

I'm counting the days until I can see you again. And I know that, even when I leave, it won't be "goodbye," but rather "see you later."

Day 15 - Person You Miss the Most

There are a lot of people I could address this to. I think that there are different types of "missing" people; I miss people for lots of different reasons: their conversation, their hugs, their presence, our relationship. Some will get names, some won't. But here are little letters for everyone.

Dear Ida,
I miss you in all of the above ways. I miss the fun times we would have when we would hang out; the times we would play cards in my room, or sit at the library for hours. I remember the time when you came during the summer and we went to the park and you got a Mutants sweatshirt. You would tell me every time you wore it, just like I would tell you whenever I wore the Spence socks you bought me.
I miss it when we were together, but I guess it's absolutely amazing that we're still such good friends after all this time. I can't wait to see you again.


Hi you.
I miss you. And even though we still try to talk, I still miss you.I don't really know what it is about you, but whether or not we're together, there's always a part of me that misses you. Maybe not because we're separated, but rather because I know that eventually we will be. This may not make much sense - let me try to explain. Even when we're together, I'm always thinking about the time when we're not going to be together. It may seem pessimistic, but I'm also a realist. I know that we cannot ever stay together forever, but quite honestly, I'm not sure if I'd want to. I don't ever want to take you for granted. And I think I would if we were always together.

So I guess it'll just have to do for me to miss you. As much as we don't necessarily like it.

Day 14 - Someone You've Drifted Away From

I'm sorry - I guess it's technically day 15, but I'm JUST getting time to write this ...

Hey you two.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing you this letter, because I'm pretty sure you may read my blog. But if anything, this blog is allowing me to tell the truth in ways that I didn't think I could in person.

The title of this post is true - I feel as if I'm drifting away from you. It's like we were all a part of one iceberg but now, due to global warming, I've broken off from the rest. I'm floating slowly away. I don't necessarily notice it while it's happening, but looking back, some distance has definitely come between us.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not the biggest fan of drifting away from you two. But I guess the thing that upsets me the most is that it seems as if you haven't noticed it, or haven't cared. It looks like you've become closer (and I'm certainly glad that that connection is still alive), but I can still remember when it was us. I'm looking at everything and feel as if I've been forgotten. It may be easy to think that, since we haven't really all been in the same place for more than a day or two (and I know that that is partly my fault), but it also seems as if we don't share as much, that we don't talk as often, and what I'm slowly losing connections with you.

Maybe our lifestyles have changed too much to really completely "mesh." We all have changed, and maybe those changes have allowed you to get closer, while I, who doesn't share all of the same beliefs, is slowly pushed away.

I don't suggest that you mean to do it. Nor do I suggest that I'm helping the process along. But rather, I'm just saying what I've been thinking lately: that it's become 2+1, not 3. There is a difference. Believe me.

I wish that it wasn't like this. But I don't really know what I can do to help fix the situation. And I don't really know if you want it to be fixed. But by all means, let me know if you read this. Maybe we can work something out.

Day 13 - Person You Wish Could Forgive You

With the recent events that have transpired, I believe that this letter needs to be addressed to my MATH 296 class (especially the girls).

Hey everyone.

I'm sorry for deserting you. I really am, but at this point in time, I need to make sure that I'm doing what's best for me. Please believe me when I say that the decision was not easy: I wanted to make it through it - I wanted to be able to say that I survived. But I guess it's just that "another one bites the dust."

The thoughts have danced around everyone's minds. Every Thursday, at 2 a.m., we would pledge that this was our last week. Some people were gutsy enough to drop, others were brave enough to continue. At first I was brave. Now I'm gutsy.

I've been debating this for a while - especially at the end of last semester, I knew that I wouldn't make it through this semester. The meltdowns came more frequently, and my self-doubts started affecting other aspects of my life. I'm not being dramatic when I say that there were mornings that I would get anxious as to whether to have a bagel or cereal for breakfast because I had spent too much time on math the previous night/morning.

I'm not quite sure what the future will bring. Hopefully I'll get to see everyone on Thursdays still. I'll come visit, and bring pick-me-ups. Or, rather, pick-you-ups.

I'd like to say that I'll miss it. But I won't. But I certainly will miss the family that we've formed.

Good luck.

Day 12 - The Person You Hate Most/Caused You a lot of Pain

I'd like to just say that I am incapable of hating anyone. And I'm not lying when I say that - I can certainly dislike someone, in fact, I can dislike them to the utmost degree. But I cannot say that I ever truly hate someone. Because even people who are displeasing to me, or who have hurt me in unimaginable ways, have changed me into who I am, and have made me learn things about people that I never would have learned otherwise.

Hi.

You may know who you are, or you may not. You also may or may not read this blog. But in any case, I guess I'd just like to say thank you. And I forgive you.

As strange as those two phrases may seem, they make sense to me. Thank you for showing your true character, for not deceiving me with your actions or intentions, and for allowing me to realize that maybe you weren't all you were cracked up to be. Thank you for forcing me to see a side of reality that I wouldn't see otherwise - the side where not everyone is perfect and where words (and actions) can certainly hurt me. Because of you, I have had to learn more about myself than I had to before, and what you did has allowed me to make sure that I'm not doing the same things.

I'd like you to know that I forgive you. Sometimes it hasn't been easy for me to let go, but, quite frankly, life isn't meant for holding grudges. It's meant for living. And I cannot truly live until I find the strength to forgive those who have hurt me. I believe I have found that strength, so why don't we try to start again?

Hi. My name is Claire. And you are?
It's so nice to meet you.

Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk to

Dear Gram,

I don't really know exactly what to say - there seems to be so much that I want to tell you about and I'm not sure where to start.

Well, first off, I miss you. You are always in my thoughts, and there rarely is a day that goes by without me wondering what you would think of what I am doing, and how I would be different from who I am right now if you were still alive. You were, and still are, my role model, and I want nothing more than to make you proud.

I think you'd like who I am today: I try to be polite and gracious, I try to be a good friend, and try to put my best foot forward with everything that I attempt. I know that I don't always succeed, but I also know that you'd be okay with that. I believe that you and Granddad would love it that I am at U of M - Granddad never lost his Wolverine heart. And I think that you'd like it that I am so close to home.

If you were still alive, part of me would hope that the past months wouldn't have been so hard. I would have had family close, no matter where I called home. And even if we were separated, I know that you would make sure I knew that you were thinking about me. And I want you to know that I'm thinking about you.

I haven't knit in a while, and I'm sorry about that. I miss it. Sometimes, when I sit to knit, I feel connected to you - it's like our souls are connected by the yarn. I remember sitting on your lap when I was younger, with your hands clasped over mine, working the yarn to make an awful-looking pot holder. I still have it.

Aunt Susan gave me one of your books as a graduation present (it's Snowbound), and I cried when I read her note. You kept the family together, and though I realize that reality might not have changed if you were still alive, it seemed like you were what brought everyone together, even if it was only once every couple of years.

This letter has been sporadic. I'm sorry that my thoughts aren't fluid, and that writing is choppy. But I really don't know how to put down ten years of thoughts in one letter. Nor do I think I ever could. But, on a certain level, part of me believes that you know where I am now. It still feels as if you're a part of me, even though you're no longer a physical presence on Earth. I don't think that it's just that I remember you in my brain, or in my heart (though I do for both), but also that you are a part of me - that our bonds are so strong, and so precious to me, that I protect them with everything that I have.

I don't want to lose you, Gram. And I'm going to do everything in my power to not let that happen.

I love you, and miss you terribly.

Day 10 - Someone You Don't Talk to as Much as You'd Like

Quite honestly, I'm not sure who I can address this letter to. I try to keep in contact with most people, and even if I'm not the best at it, whenever I think of them, I try to make contact. But I guess I may have an idea as to who  might fit this bill.

Hey there.

We haven't really talked since you moved to Texas, but I still miss you. We chatted a bit during the summer before junior year of high school, but it seemed to be just small talk: how is school, how's the family, the pets, the friends.

I miss our conversations - the ones we had at midnight in your basement during sleepovers, the ones we had while riding bikes around town, the ones we had in our classes and in the hallways at school. I remember spending hours in your room, with the fairies on the walls and the closet that had an automatic light in it. I remember telling scary stories in the little clubhouse in your backyard, and contemplating the life of birds while swinging in a hammock. I remember the bond that we shared, and how that bond seemed to weaken and break with distance.

For the first year or so, I hoped that we could still be friends. We would instant message, but it definitely wasn't the same. Sometimes I wonder whether we would have stayed close if we had the technology then that we do today - whether video messaging and Facebook could have kept our friendship alive. But I guess it's too late now; times have changed both of us, and from what I can tell, we both have changed so much.

A lot has changed in the past six years, and sometimes I want nothing more than to call you and hang out. I know that it is basically impossible - we're in two totally different states and are two completely different people. But I still wish we could have held onto that bond that once held us so tight.

I guess the fact of the matter is: I miss you.

Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet

There are countless people who I want to meet: my great-grandmother after whom I'm named after, my great-grandfather who played baseball both for U of M as well as for the Detroit Tigers. But after thinking about it for a while, I've decided that as much as I would love to meet these people, there's someone who I think could teach me things that are directly applicable to my life right now:

Dear Coach Bryant,

I'm a Northerner. I'm telling you right now that I don't know a tenth of what a six-year-old Southern girl knows about football. In fact, there are times when I wonder why people would even want to play such a game: a game that used to be so ruthless that people died on the field.

Nevertheless, I think you have a lot to offer. I've read your biographies, and it seems as if I could use your life philosophy right now: I need to be able to not only give everything that I have, but then give even more when the situation makes it necessary. There is nothing more that I want than to channel a little bit of your work ethic and passion into my own life.

As strange as this sounds, though, I would want to meet you when you were older. It's not to say that the younger Bear wasn't spectacular as well, but I'd love to see the spark in your eyes describing your boys, the vivacity that football gives you, and the intensity of which you try to instill your ideals on others. I think that out of all your accomplishments, the most profound is the fact that you kept coaching, even when times were tough. You kept your personal issues quiet, and made sure everyone knew that the team was your life - that football was your life.

I guess this goes back to my dreams: I want nothing more than to feel the passion for something that you felt for football. I want to be remembered for something, just like you were for all of your accomplishments, whether it was the most coaching victories or your humility when talking about your successes.

Though I realize that it would be impossible to meet, I'm going to try to "see" you in a different way. I'm hoping to go to Tuscaloosa this summer and see where you spent your life, and see where you lay. Maybe I'll be able to feel your spirit, and maybe that will be enough.

Day 8 - To My Favorite Internet Friend

I don't really know what to say to you ....

Let's be honest: you're one of my cousins. But I haven't seen/talked to you in about ten years. I'm not really quite sure why I'm writing this letter to you, other than because you show up on my Facebook news feed a lot, and I've learned more about you and your way of life than I ever really wanted to. I don't really know if I would label you my "favorite" Internet 'friend,' but you're certainly the one that I keep track of the most. Most of the time I'm hesitant to see what you've been up to - part of me is always scared that something has gone horribly wrong and that you're sick, or in trouble.

You friended me on Facebook months ago, and ever since then, I've been following you. It's not to be creepy, but rather just to see how you're doing, because it seems as if you've had a pretty rough time lately. I'm sorry that I didn't know about all of your problems earlier .... I keep wondering whether there would have been anything that I could have done to help. Or just be there.

Some ... no ... most of the decisions you have made have been detrimental, and I'm usually against what you say you're going to do. But I'm glad you seem to know when you need to get help. It seems as if you've gone through so many things that most people shouldn't have to go through. But you've made it through. And I know that you can make it through anything if you just believe that things will get better.

We may never talk, but just know that I'm thinking about you. And no matter what, we'll always be family.

Day 7 - To My Ex-Boyfriend

Hey there.

Quite honestly, I don't really know what to write. After all, if I had been asked to write this letter a week ago, I wouldn't have anyone to address it to ... or maybe I wouldn't have anyone to formally address it to. That might not make sense. I guess I had an inkling that this letter would have a recipient soon enough, but I just didn't really know when. I could feel going down to Baton Rouge this last time that something was different - that something was going to change. And, sure enough, it did.

It's been six days. And so much has happened in those six days: I came back from Baton Rouge, we broke up, I moved back to Ann Arbor (what feels like my true home), I've started classes, and have made progress in work.  I'm not really sure exactly what you've been up to - we talked for a little bit yesterday but it didn't seem like anything outstanding was said. But with everything going on recently, I don't really think that I've had time to comprehend the fact that we're not together anymore.

But then again, I'm not quite sure whether I really believed we were together. It's strange, because I knew in my heart that we were, but I don't think my brain ever fully comprehended that not-so-minor detail. Now it doesn't have to.

Everything was mutual ... or at least that's how I'd like to perceive it. I know that things may not be the best right now, but I guess I have faith that everything will end up alright eventually. This is what was the best for both of us ... or, rather, this was what was best for our relationship.

We'll still talk, if you're okay with that. Because I honestly don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I'm just really hoping that you will want to stay friends.

Well ... I guess that's all for now. But don't worry ... there'll be more to come.

Day 6 - A Stranger

Hello. You are amazing.

When I first saw you, I thought you were just yawning or something, but when you continued to walk across the length of the Diag without closing your mouth, you reminded me of a shark I saw in the New Orleans aquarium whose bottom jaw couldn't move. Your short spiky hair gave the appearance of rows of teeth, and you were even wearing a grey sweatshirt. I honestly hope that you are majoring in something to do with sharks. Or love them, and have posters all over your room.

When you started waving frantically to a friend who hadn't seen you yet, you kind of resembled a T-Rex, with the big head/mouth and little tiny arms. The image was made even better with the fact that your sweatshirt sleeves were too long, so they were flapping around in the cold.

I'm not quite sure why you had your mouth open, nor do I know why it was so urgent to get your friend's attention. But I do know that watching you walk today the way you did gave me more enjoyment than you probably realize. I understand that I may never see you again, and, on a certain level, that's okay with me, because if I saw you again and you no longer resembled a shark/T-Rex, I know I would be disappointed. But I do hope that you'll do something else that will make someone else smile and chuckle.

So thank you, T-Rex shark man. For making my day a little bit brighter.

Day 5 - My Dreams

This is so general, I don't know even where to start. I mean, I have lots of different types of dreams. The kinds that come at night, short-term and long-term goals for myself, as well as my hopes for the future of our society.

Last night I dreamed about Bear Bryant. I may be slightly obsessed with the former University of Alabama football coach, but I'm not ashamed. He was amazing. I mean, he held (and may still hold) the record for most career wins, and coached for over 50 years of his life .... football wasn't just a game, it was truly his life and soul. I guess it wasn't that strange to see him in my dream - I was starting classes and he just came to my dorm room and gave me words of encouragement. Well .... maybe 'encouragement' isn't the right word .... he basically told me not to fail, otherwise the entire university would look down on me. But that was his form of a pep talk. And it worked. The Bear always wanted his players to become the best men that they could be, and part of me hopes to live up to his expectations, regardless of the fact that I never met the legend, and he passed away before I was alive.

I guess my main hope right now is to do well in what I love, and to be good enough to not be forgotten. I want to be like the Bear in this sense: I want what I do to not be a job, I want it to be what I breathe, dream, and live for. I may not know what I want to do in the future right this moment, but I dream that one day my children, or even grandchildren, can look back and say, "Yeah, that was my mom (or grandma). Look at what she did." I want them to be proud of me for how much I have pushed myself and how far I've reached to be the best that I can be. Maybe I'll only become a housewife, or maybe I'll be an executive at one place or another. But my only hope is that I can make it wherever I'm going and love it all the time. Because, after all, why have a dream if I'm only going to be disappointed and unhappy once I finish the journey there?

Day 4 - To My Brother

Rob-

My how the times have changed. I remember (or rather, everyone else remembers) when you were just Rubba to me. You were the big brother who wanted to protect his baby sister, the boy who wanted to make sure I was happy all the time. As our personalities have developed, we've had our number of spats, but even through the rough patches, we're always there for each other.

You put up with me, and have helped me more over the years than I could even imagine: from moving furniture to giving food and store advice, from being a chauffeur to being a partner in crime, from telling me the harsh reality of life to giving great big hugs, it seems as if we've been through it all together. Or at least most of it together.

I never really realized how much of a blessing it would be to attend school with you, and just knowing that you're across campus is a huge relief. You've gone above and beyond to make sure that I'm doing alright, and though I know that Mom and Dad put you up to some of it, you still deserve a huge thank you. And maybe a couple of batches of cookies. :)

Day 3 - To My Parents

This post seems especially relevant - in the past 48 hours, I have had to say goodbye to both of my parents. Saturday morning my mom, brother, and I left Baton Rouge (where my dad works) to return up north for school. Just this morning, I left my hometown to come back to school.

I don't even know how to start this, other than to say thank you. You have raised me to be a wonderful person (if I can say so myself), and have supported me through everything: horseback riding, figure skating, tennis, golf, school, clubs, college, life. I know we've had our little spats, our little "you're not the boss of me" moments, the "Sue me," "Fine, I get Dad" arguments. But everything always ends up alright.

This past year has been tough on all of us. But we've made it through it, and I'd like to think that I'm no more worse for wear. It has taught me so much more than I thought that I could learn; I've learned to get over my fear of flying, because I know know that whenever I get on a plane, it'll be worth it; I've learned that family is more important than anything, and to not take it for granted. Ever.

I know that I can be stubborn, indecisive, temperamental, emotional, distant, stressed, and argumentative. But you've always loved me. Even when I am at my worst, I know that you two will always be there fore me: Mom with the hugs and reassuring words, Dad with the phone for pizza and ice cream.

So thank you. For being my supporters. For taking the bad with the good. For putting up with me. And for always being there for me. I love you both too much to even describe.

Day 2 - To My Crush

You're my on-again, off-again crush.

At first, I hated you - I thought you were the most annoying person to ever walk the planet. You teased me and flustered me, and, quite frankly, I had no idea what to do with you. But the more time we spent together, the more I realized that your teasing was only in jest, and we became closer.

Now I don't see you as much. I'm somewhat disappointed, but also realize that maybe it's for the better. Our relationship probably wouldn't have worked, no matter how much I willed it to. And I only saw one aspect of your life - I know it would be next to impossible to take the leap from only knowing one side of you to trying to grasp all aspects, because you're somewhat complex. It was also dangerous for me to like you - I was in no position to want you, but yet a part of me did. You were a temptation, and though neither of us acted upon anything, the enticement was still there. And it scared me to death.

Nevertheless, I do wish we could stay in touch. Our friendship may strengthen or weaken over time, and who know? You may just be my crush once again eventually. But either way, I hope we can stay friends, because I don't really know what I'd do without your light teasing and inside jokes - they were always guaranteed to make me smile.

The Beginning: Day 1 - To My Best Friends

To My Best Friends -

Hello.

You all keep me going - you are my role models and every time I do something, my only wish is for you to be proud. We've been through many times: you've laughed with me (and most likely at me), cried with me, jokes with me, and have undoubtedly changed me into the person who I am today.

Without you all, I know that I wouldn't be where I am right now. You have not only pushed me to be the best person I can be, but also love me for who I am at this moment. You accept me and my craziness, my OCD tendencies, my organization and hyperactivity, my "off" moods, and my many stupid moments. You take all parts of me: the Southern Belle, the English girl, the studious worker, the carefree fun-lover, as well as the subtle variations and combinations of all of these.

Because of you, I have kept my sanity by losing it. And it's the crazy moments, the times that we roll off couches with tears streaming down our faces for no apparent reason, that I will remember forever. I can never repay you for everything that you have done for me, but I will try. I will try to make you proud, I will try to keep in touch. I will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, or a second person for a happy dance. I will celebrate your successes, but will also be there when the world seems to turn against you. But most importantly, I will try to do everything in my power to be as good of a friend to you as you are to me, no matter how futile my efforts may be.

I love you all. And I look forward to more amazing times to come.