Day 90 - One last moment

With everything that's happening to the high-schoolers right now, I thought this might be relevant.

It was April 1st, 2009. I remember it being a Thursday, and at 5:00, I was going to learn my fate. I was going to learn whether I had gained admission to my last two colleges: Yale and Brown. All throughout high school, I had heard "You're going to go to an Ivy League school," "Harvard would be lucky to have you," and "You'll get in to any college you want."

Part of me thought I was a shoe-in. After all, who could have done more? I was in 6 clubs, had done tons of community service, been published in the literary magazine, was of amazing academic standing, and seemed like a well-rounded, yet focused, student. But, as the time drew near, I started to doubt myself.

I was at University of Michigan-Dearborn, waiting for my organic chemistry lecture to begin. I pulled up Yale first, then Brown. Both gave me bad news. So what did I do?

I sat there. Just sat at the table that was in the chemistry building. Refreshing the screen, believing that the words on the page would change, if only I pressed the refresh button enough times. I couldn't believe it .... I mean, I was me .... this was what everyone had said my fate was. I had been voted Hardest Working in my senior class, and was runner-up to Most Likely to Succeed .... second only to our senior class president. How could they do this? How could they not say yes?

After a while, I came to. I came back into reality, shut my laptop, and realized that the words would never change. It was then that it hit me ... and hit me hard. I called my mom, and cried. Bawled. And once I got off the phone with her, I called my best friend. Still upset, and still believing that I was a good-for-nothing piece of flesh. Never mind that I was graduating at the top of my class, and was at that moment taking college courses. None of that mattered, because I wasn't going to be living in Providence, or New Haven.

With those tears came everything: my dreams, my frustrations, my insecurities, and all of the promises I had heard. Out came my motivation to build up my resume, and my motivation to continue striving to be the best. In those moments, I came undone. But slowly, I was able to bring myself together.

Part of what helped was my best friend: he comforted me, and made me see sense. All was not for nothing, he said, because if I hadn't pushed myself, I wouldn't have even been able to apply. And I had other options - still great options, even better options in some aspects. I would be able to stay near some of my family, or branch out to a smaller school that would help.

Another thing that kept me going was a text. It was from my mom, and said simply:

Honey, you're better than Ivy. You're in a class of your own.

And you know what? I am. I've been able to spread my wings and fly here. I'm able to be myself, and make a new me, while still having a slice of home. I've been able to make a name for myself, and be challenged, but not be fighting for my life, or for my grade.

I'm better than Ivy. But I'm perfect for Maize & Blue.

Day 89 - Your aspirations

I aspire to do one thing: learn to love.

I want to learn how to love a place: somewhere that I see as home, and can't see myself anywhere else. This will be a big achievement, for right now I want to live in at least seven different places. At the very least.

I want to learn how to love my job: I want to find something that I don't mind doing day in and day out. I want to have that feeling that I have to be ripped from my work to go home. But I don't want a job that consumes my life.

I want to learn to love myself: to turn every imperfection into an asset. It's not like I don't love myself now, but doesn't everyone have those days? The days where the pants don't fit quite right, or the sweater doesn't look as great as you thought it would.

I want to learn to love someone else: love them to the point where their imperfections don't matter, that I love spending time with them, no matter what we do. Love them where our relationship is even, where I'll sit through football games and action movies if they'll come to a hockey game, or ballet performance, or watch an occasional sweet movie.

And I hope I can find someone who will love me the same.

Day 88 - Something that you miss

There are a lot of things I miss: my true house(s), the South, my family, my friends, my pets, you name it and I've probably missed it at some point or another.

Right now, though? I miss the summers in elementary school. The summers that my best friend and I would spend hours upon hours at the public library, just picking out ten or twelve books to read. We were constantly there.

Every summer there's a reading program through the library. It's changed over the years, but when I was in elementary school, you would log your books, and for every 50 pages you read, you would get a raffle ticket. At the end of the summer, there'd be an event where the librarians from each branch would pick the winners of the raffles, as well as give away other prizes (most books read, most pages read, etc.).

My friend and I would, quite honestly, go to the library every day. We would probably spend about an hour there, and then would walk back to her house and just sit an read. Everywhere. In her room, in her living room, in the tree in her backyard. We even tried the garage once, but it was too dark and uncomfortable. The next day, we would go back to the library to record what book(s) we had read, and see if there were any others we wanted.

This would go on the entire summer. And the memories of these times make me miss multiple things at once: I miss summer, I miss my friends, I miss reading for fun, I miss reading in trees, and having nothing to do. But most of all, I miss the friend who I would read with. Because she was the person who didn't make me lonely, even though we were doing solitary activities. We might have looked like loners, just sitting and reading our respective books. But we were loners together.

Day 87 -Your favorite place

I'm sorry for not posting yesterday - I had a midterm today that I was studying my butt off for. But hope this makes up for it!

My favorite place? Well, in reality, it's probably either in Baton Rouge, sitting out by the pool reading a book for fun, or sitting outside in the Diag at U of M watching people go by.

But my absolutely favorite place is in my mind. It's in a bay window, overlooking an expanse of green - with horses grazing and a hint of the Gulf of Mexico in the distance. The land is ours (or mine), and there's an old barn slightly to the left, with the doors wide open, leading to fields surrounded by white fences. The room is in my dream home: in the South, a large white house, with a wrap-around porch and a hanging swing bench. There's a formal library, but that's not where I'm sitting.

I'm curled in the bay window, on an overstuffed beige cushion, with sky blue pillows supporting my back, and a chocolate lab laying at my feet. The window is on the second floor, and it's in my own private room. It's where I house my memories, and where I make new ones.

Even though this place isn't a reality yet, it's still my favorite. If I can't fall asleep at night, I dream of the room: what books I'll be reading, what else is in the room, what the horses names are, who will share the house with me.

It may not be true yet, but I know that this place will always be my favorite.

Day 86 - Your fears

I'm scared of ladybugs. They're cute and supposedly harmless. But they still freak me out.

I'm scared of failing. I'm sure everyone has felt this fear at least once in their life. I'm scared that I won't be good enough, or that, even worse, I'll just be "okay." I'll be lost in the pack of everyone and no one will be able to find me, not even myself.

I'm scared that I'll lose the people I love most in life. Not by death, but just by drifting away. I think that losing someone to time is worse than losing them to death: at least with death you know that they're in one place, and that everyone lost them too. But if you lose a friend by drifting away? You know they're still there, but they just don't want to see or talk to you.

I'm afraid of public speaking. It may come as a surprise, but I hate getting up in front of people and speaking, especially if it's only me. I can tolerate it if I have time to prepare, but impromptu presentations? Ohh no. I can barely keep from trembling all over.

I'm afraid of being forgotten. It kind of rolls a lot of the previous fears into one ball: I'm afraid that I'll only be mediocre at what I do, and that I won't do anything spectacular enough to keep the people I love the most close to me. I'm afraid that I'll let them down, and that they won't be proud.

But my biggest fear? I'm afraid of not being me.

Day 85 - A first

It was three days before Thanksgiving, during my senior year of high school.

My mom and I were driving down to Baton Rouge (the first time we had driven down since we moved), and were staying in Tuscaloosa, Alabama for the second night. This was the time that we thought it would be nicer to take three days to do the drive (we soon learned that two was better), but it did give us time to go and visit colleges.

It seemed as if that was what my life had been comprised of for the previous two seasons: college touring. We had toured out East (the Ivies, private liberal arts schools, all girls schools, the big, the small, the minuscule), but nothing had particularly struck me. Except Cornell - that was pretty. Hilly, and remote, but pretty.

I had already toured Michigan State and Michigan - I had basically grown up on each campus, and knew that my acceptances to these places was guaranteed (not to sound conceited - it was just kind of a given based not only on grade and extracurriculars, but also on family legacy ...). I could tolerate Ann Arbor, but it just didn't really seem like home.

So anyways, my mom and I were in Tuscaloosa visiting the University of Alabama. The day prior, we had driven onto campus via a very shady way: it took us past downtrodden houses and abandoned warehouses. But this morning, we had found a nicer way, a prettier way.

As we met with the people, I was drawn to their Southern style: the lackadaisical gaits everyone walked with, the slow drawl that was trying to be covered by proper speech, the green expanses of lawn, and, most notably, the absolutely gorgeous Chemistry building, newly constructed with labs waiting for me.

I had been hesitant, but slowly gave away a part of my heart to 'Bama. And they still hold onto it. I'm currently wearing an Alabama Crimson Tide sweatshirt, and keep track of the activities on campus through Facebook and their email list.

But what makes this a first? After all, I had already visited dozens of colleges. What made 'Bama special?

Well, the University of Alabama was the first school I fell in love with. It's the first school I gave a part of my heart to. And it's the first place I go to in my mind when things are overwhelming at Michigan.

rtr. forever and always.

Day 84 - Something that makes you cry

Thinking about home.

It's usually just in short spurts, but whenever I honestly look at a calendar and realize how long it'll be until I'm in Baton Rouge for the summer, it just tears me up. I don't necessarily cry every time, but it's hard, you know?

Maybe you don't. But that's okay too - because I wouldn't want anyone else to know what this feels like. It feels like I've left a part of myself behind in the South, and time is going to slowly, it seems as if it'll be years before I can get back to the rest of me. I know that it's only a couple of weeks: I finish finals in the end of April, and will start heading down around the middle to end of May (I'm going to visit my cousin for a while before I set up shop in Baton Rouge). But I know that it'll seem like forever.

I can't wait to be down there - not only will the sun and warmth be nice, but also the fact that it'll be summer (though I'm taking a class down there). It's an appealing idea that I'll have most of the days to just lounge around and read, doing nothing but working on a tan by the pool. And spending time with my family. That's a big thing.

Day 83 - Something that makes you feel better

Something that makes me feel better? There are a lot of little things:

• a hug, or a pat on the back
• an oddly specific hot chocolate from Starbucks
• someone speaking in Italian, or a comment in my favorite language
• a reminder of a moment I shared with my friends - a moment that we were having a blast or laughing for no reason
• a text or reminder that someone is thinking of me. This sounds so conceited, but most of the time that I'm down means that I forget that people remember me. It's a horrible feeling, which makes me get in an even worse mood.

Those are only some of the things that can make me feel better. My good friends know what else will work to make me smile and laugh after I'm in a bad mood.

Sorry for the discordant thoughts - it's midnight and I'm tired and still working on math ... with no foreseeable end. Hopefully tomorrow's post won't be as horrible.

Day 82 - Something that upsets you

There are very few things that really press my buttons after only a moment or two. Most times it takes a week, two weeks, a month, for me to get upset enough to realize that I'm upset over something. It sounds stupid, but it's true. But one of my biggest things?

People falsifying or withholding important information.

I'd like to note that this isn't lying. I understand that sometimes it's necessary to tell a little lie every now and again: to keep a secret, to protect someone else, to protect yourself. Fine. But misrepresenting something is different: it's when you tell someone one thing with no intention on doing it. It's saying "oh yeah, I texted her and she said she'd meet us there," but really not.

It's things like this that excludes people, which is another thing that pushes my buttons. I want everyone to be included, whether it be in mealtimes or conversations. There are very few worse feelings than finding out that you've been excluded from something, and I don't want to bring that feeling upon anyone if I can avoid it.

It seems as if these two things have been happening fairly recently in my group of friends. That's not to say that they're bad people, because they aren't. I love them all to death. But there's one person who seems to consistently misrepresent information which leads to people getting excluded. She also seems to exclude people from conversations: talking only to one person, and changing the subject so that only the selected person can talk about it.

Pretty soon things are going to change .... because this has gone on long enough. Now if only I can figure out a way to fix it .....

Day 81 - Another moment

I sat down at a table in the ninth floor of my dormitory (a sort of study area, with computers, couches, and tables with an unspoken "quiet" rule) with my laptop and a backpack full of homework.

The day wasn't shaping up to be amazing - I had to cancel plans for one of my friends to visit because I was buried with homework, despite working for seven hours the day prior. I had woken up at 8:00, only to pack up the backpack and head upstairs. There wasn't any end in sight - there was an essay to write, a book to read and annotate, math problems to look over, and assigned readings coming out of my ears ... or rather ... binders.

After about 2 hours of studying, I got up to walk around. I stepped outside into the lobby area (there's a let-off to the elevators, and you have to swipe your key card to get back into where the people study ... a bit confusing, but it works). When I came back a couple of minutes later, I find everything exactly how it was, except now there's a little blue circle of paper sitting on my laptop keyboard.

I look around but can't see anyone in the near vicinity. Thinking it was strange, I put it aside and continue working. About fifteen minutes later, one of my friends comes up to study with me. She asks what the paper is, and I look at it for the first time. It was a simple command, but it brightened my day.

Keep smiling. You don't know who may fall in love with it.

And on the back?

I did.

I still haven't found who wrote the note, nor do I think it would mean as much if I did. But I still have the piece of blue construction paper - it's taped to my wall as a reminder to keep smiling, no matter how much homework has to be done, no matter how many plans have been cancelled.

After all, you never know who may fall in love with it.

Day 80 - This month

This month has been .... interesting.

I started the month in Louisiana, where I wanted to do nothing but lounge by the pool.

Coming back to school, I was hit by chaos: midterms and papers were due, friends wanted to get back together, and I struggled a bit to balance everything.

This week has been interesting: I have had dinner with friends, have advising appointments to figure out classes for next year, work to do, papers due, homework problems to finish, and sleep to catch up on (hah!). Luckily this weekend I hope a friend is coming out, and next week my cousin is supposed to visit.

The rest of this month will test my nerves. Next Monday and Tuesday alone I have a presentation (20 minutes), a paper due (worth 20% of my grade), and a math midterm (another 25%). But I have less than a month left of school. Which is a good thing. A very good thing.

There are lots of things I want to do before the end of this month, but I also realize that I'm pressed enough as it is to finish the things on my to-do list.

I guess we'll just have to see how the next 10 days play out.

Day 79 - Something you regret

There are a lot of things I regret. I'm not kidding when I say that there are uncountably many instances where I wish I could go back in time and make another decision, or say something differently, or just take an opportunity that was given to me. Some of these moments are minor: I regret eating something, or saying something with a certain intonation. I regret not calling someone when I said that I would, or breaking a promise that I could have kept if only I had changed some of my priorities. But one of my biggest regrets, one that I've been thinking about a lot recently? That's easy.

I regret not moving when I had the chance. Granted, I know that my parents didn't want me to change schools during my senior year of high school, and I guess I'm thankful that they didn't (I would have hated it at the time, and the school I was at was much better than any school I could have gone to in Baton Rouge). But I still sometimes wish that I had moved, that we wouldn't have had to spend the year apart, and that I could have made friends where I now consider home.

Looking back on it, it really wouldn't have been all that bad. Yes, I'd have left my friends in Michigan, but there's also mass amounts of technology, and flights aren't too expensive if you shop around for them. I would have missed some of the senior year activities, and budding relationships. But honestly? I could have still attended the important things in Michigan - friends would have gotten me into the dances, and there are homecoming festivities in Baton Rouge. I still would have the college opportunities that I have now, and wouldn't really have suffered academically (after all, I could have always just taken more college courses or something).

The major difference would be that we would have been together. And recently, I've missed that. I've missed the family time that we've been deprived of for almost two years now. I've missed having family meals, and bantering with both parents. I've missed being together. Together for more than a meal. Together for more than a weekend, or a school break.

Louisiana wouldn't have been that bad. I could have made friends. I could have started a new life, and escaped all the drama in Michigan. I could have formed relationships in a place that will be home, instead of investing everything I had into relationships that have either cracked or broken completely. I could have become the "me" I am seeing now, the Southern "me," and the independent "me."

I could have .... if only I did.

Day 78 - Your favorite birthday

I think I was turning 4 or 5. I was really young, and we were down in Florida, like we had been every year since my first birthday.

I'm sitting at my grandparent's dining room table, waiting for the cake to be placed in front of me so that I can chow down into its sugary goodness. And, lo and behold! The cake is a circus-mania.

It was absolutely spectacular. And though I've had many amazing birthdays (including surprise parties soon after the event), every year is special, and especially the year that I could play with the clowns on my cake.

Christmas and my birthday only come once a year - and that one day had better be darn special! The balloons made it.

Day 77 - Your favorite memory

I can't choose a favorite memory. It is impossible. But why don't I give you a couple of my recent "favorites"?

• Tonight my dad and I were driving to Joe Louis Arena for the CCHA semifinals. We had the radio on, and a Pink! song came on, just as we stopped at a red light. At the exact same moment, we started doing the signature "awkward dance." We know we're related.
• U of M hockey senior night: Carl Hagelin scores two absolutely amazing goals, and with them comes the end of the Swedish flag era. The ensuing media has helped keep the legacy alive, but by giving Hagelin the giant Swedish flag, it feels as if we gave him a part of the student section to carry with him for the rest of his life. It was a bittersweet moment.
• Learning how to knit from my grandma. She was so special to me, and the skill has not only helped me later in life, but it also allows me to feel close to her even when she isn't here.
• The many moments with friends: the moments we laugh for no reason, fall down with tears, and finish each other's sentences. It's when we turn into dinosaurs, and speak in other languages. It's when, for that brief moment of time, it's as if one mind has been split into two bodies.

These are a few of my favorite memories. But please don't ask me to just pick one.

Day 76 - Your first kiss

I'm sorry that this is a day late - I completely forgot to post yesterday!

My first kiss, huh? Let me first explain my philosophy of first kisses, and then I can maybe go into a story.

So my philosophy is that you can have multiple "first kisses." Yes, there is the "first first," but the one you're really going to remember is your first kiss with the person you're going to end up with forever. That one will be special.

I don't mean to say that the others won't be, but, rather, your first "first kiss" will be remembered, but so will all of your other first kisses, especially the one you have with your eventual partner.

My first first kiss? We were in the kitchen, by the back door. Not even an hour before, I had climbed from the front seat of my mom's car, and we had completed the 17 hour drive from Baton Rouge. I felt icky and disgusting, and all I really wanted to do was get the stuff out of the car, throw my things in my room, climb in a shower, and do anything but sit down again. But instead, I'm met with him. He was walking up our driveway, and, despite how tired I was, I smiled.

This is what I had come back to. What I felt like I had come back for.

Day 75 - Your dreams

I have a lot of dreams:

I dream that I can dream - I dream that I'm able to have hopes for the future, and that some of those hopes will pan out. I also dream that I'll be able to dream at night - that I'll finally get more than 4 hours of sleep, and that those hours will be restful.

I dream that I'll be happy, and that I can bring that happiness to my friends as will. I hope that I can turn into a ray of sunshine, that will permeate through the clouds, no matter how dark and dense they are.

I dream that I'll be successful at something that I love, be it English or Mathematics or some other field. Success not in monetary value, but in sentimental. I want to be happy with what I do, and have other people see my passion for the subject with which I work.

I dream that my friends will have happy lives, for even if I don't, the joy that surrounds me will always remind me that life is not completely bad. Certainly, there are the tough times, and the "off" moods, but by having happy friends around, hopefully I'll never take any good occasion for granted.

I dream that I will find someone whom I love with all my heart, and who loves me just the same. I dream that we'll be happy together, and will realize that we are perfect for each other.

I dream all of these things, but I also dream one more:

I dream that you have dreams. For if you don't, what do you have?

Day 74 - What you wore today

So today was an icky day - it was overcast and drizzly for the majority of the afternoon, and into the evening. In honor of the gloomy weather, I wore a gloomy outfit (but not too too gloomy).

• black leggings (thermal running pants, in all actuality)
• white camisole
• grey/white/black striped sweater with a GIANT collar. And it's droopy. And it smells really good (I washed it on Sunday and added extra dryer sheets)
• dark grey slouch suede boots (with baby blue slipper socks inside)
• hair in ponytail, with bangs swept back with a black headband

It was pretty simple, and definitely one of my "go-to" outfits for days that I don't really want to work hard at getting dressed/picking out an outfit. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually try to look cute.

But then again, maybe not.

Day 73 - This week

Let's just put it this way: this week has not gotten off to a good start.

Today started with sleep-deprivation: dirty socks in the garbage can, comb in the pajama drawer, and to-do list in (no, not on) the fridge. It was also my longest day, with classes until 4 p.m., and mass amounts of homework afterward. Drama with people just lengthened the day.

But hopefully it gets better from here. After all, tomorrow can never be as bad as today, right? Though I do have to go into work tomorrow (not my favorite pastime, but better than a sharp stick in the eye), and finish up a paper and readings. But really. It shouldn't be too bad.

This weekend my dad is flying up and my family is going to go to the U of M hockey games (they're in the CCHA semifinals, and most likely the finals [knock on wood]). It will be so great to be all together again - I've been rather homesick lately, and it'll be nice to have everyone in one spot, even if it's in an ice arena and we're yelling expletives at the referees and players.

So this week shall be interesting. I'm curious to see how all of the drama will work out, and how I'll manage the to-do list that is growing by the minute. But it's just another challenge, right?

Well, let the challenge begin.

Day 72 - What's in your bag

Well, since I am a student, I guess my "bag" is synonymous to my backpack. So here we go:

• gum - a staple in any of my bags. I'm slightly addicted. Especially to spearmint.
• passport - I still haven't unpacked my backpack from Spring Break, so I still have my passport (along with boarding pass) in it
• chapstick (2) - moisturizing and cherry. Both amazing.
• glasses - black frames, rarely worn, but still there just in case I need them
• left wrist brace - left over from a linguistics midterm on Wednesday. I have tendinitis in my wrist from writing too much, so I always pack it when I know that I have to write essays
• calculator - unfortunately my math class doesn't use numbers (ironic?), but I need it for work to figure out mole ratios and weights and such
• umbrella - it's beginning to look like spring in Michigan. An umbrella is necessary. Not that it works with the intense winds ....
• tissues - again, spring time in Michigan = allergies = runny nose
• folder for work - holds random papers, and probably has chemicals spilled on it. It's obviously been "loved"
• Jane Eyre, Wide Sargasso Sea for an essay for my Intro to Literary Studies class
• notebook for Lit Studies (mostly filled with doodles)
• linguistics notebook
• Linguistics binder, complete with readings for tomorrow that have yet to be read
• Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl - has to be read by Wednesday for Lit Studies ... greatttttt
• agenda - I'd be lost without it. Quite literally.
• pencil case - highlighters (yellow and pink), 3 black pens, 3 blue pens, iPod, memory stick, another chapstick
• anti-bacterial hand lotion - smells like white citrus. A life-saver, especially on the cold and windy days
• random hair ties at the bottom of the backpack
• water bottle - filled with 32 oz. of pure water
• laptop charging cord
• (usually my laptop is in here too, but seeing as I'm using it to type this, it's no longer in there)

So that's it. I may have missed inventorying some trash, but it's just that: trash. Empty gum wrappers, torn papers, etc.

I have to re-pack my bag for tomorrow (all of that was just to go to the study floor this morning), so the contents are continually changing. But maybe this list shows some things about me.

Or maybe not.

Day 71 - Your sibling

How do I describe my brother?

My brother is loud. He screams at sporting events, at parties, and in the car. He cheers for goalies, for players, and for friends. He blows your eardrums out if you're standing to close.

But my brother is also quiet. He has his tender moments - the moments where there is nothing to say or do other than to envelope a person in a compassionate hug. He knows when to listen, and when to just reach out and pat you on your back, to let you know that it may not be alright right now, but it will be, eventually.

My brother is funny. He cracks jokes with anyone and everyone. And surprisingly (he is a boy, after all), they aren't usually the "that's what she said" jokes, or the "mind in the gutter jokes," but rather the truly hilarious ones. The ones that are tasteful, even if they take a minute or two to understand.

But my brother is smart. After all, he was accepted to Michigan, and is doing well. He knows too many things to describe, but these things range from architecture to engineering to people, and even to where to find oddly shaped lightbulbs.

I know siblings are supposed to fight. And my brother and I have had our fair share of disputes. But would I trade him for anyone else? For my best friend? Or for my idol?

Absolutely not.

And do you know why?

Because he's my brother. And he's absolutely amazing.

Day 70 - What you wore today

So this morning I was wearing pajamas, until 6:40 when I woke up.

I changed into black leggings, a white camisole with lace edges, and a chocolate brown sweater that feels like my grandfather's hug. It's a bit pilled, and is a bit over-sized, but I like to think that I make it work. Brown slouch suede boots (with Christmas striped slipper socks, of course) completed the ensemble. I straightened my hair (not the greatest idea at 6:45 a.m. ... I somehow managed to burn my elbow. And am still trying to figure out exactly how it happened).

I wore that until around 11:30 or so, when I decided to change into a different brown cardigan - not pilled, button down, and a little less heavy (I felt as if I was melting in my dorm room!). I threw on a plaid long peacoat and headed off to lunch with a friend and then to class.

Around 6:30 (after going to class, work, and dinner), I changed into brown leggings, a navy camisole, and a Michigan Hockey T-shirt in preparation of the quarterfinal hockey game. The outfit was completed with maize and blue rainboots (with daisies on the "body" of the boot, and blue-polka dotted yellow trim). I'd like to think it was acceptable for the weather, and for the occasion.

My final outfit change of the day? Back onto pajamas. Preferably the ones I just washed today - pajama shorts in my favorite colors, and which smell like spring (thanks Bounce!!).

So that's it. Now that I write it down, I guess I changed a decent amount today. But I'd like to think that it was all necessary.

Day 69 - Your beliefs

As strange as this sounds, it's hard to type out my beliefs. Perhaps because it's just because they are a part of who I am, and how can you define yourself? How is it possible to put words to your thoughts and have them adequately reflect what you mean? It seems almost impossible, and though I've done it so far with most of the posts, those haven't seemed as .... important. As defining.

If you know me, you should have an idea about some of my beliefs; you'd know that I'm traditional, and most of my ideals don't fit in with today's culture. But you know what? I don't really care that they don't. Because I don't need the acceptance of others to feel comfortable with my beliefs.

I believe that your words should be reflected in your actions, but that your actions don't take the place of words.

I believe that to do your best is the most important thing in a given situation. And to follow your own ideals is the same as doing your best.

Day 68 - A moment

A moment. Just one? Alright.

July 14th, 2011.

I had must had my graduation open house 3 days before - and we were still cleaning up from it. There was food to distribute, lists of gifts and thank you cards to be made, and addresses to be compiled. Oh yeah, and there was the need to pack to leave for five weeks. I remember my mom and I's to-do list was daunting: clean the house, set the timers, remember to give a house key to the people watching the cats, get the cats set up (move the litter box, exchange food dishes), lock doors and windows, call the police, pack our things, pack the car, make sure we have everything. And hit the road at 7:00 the next morning.

I didn't really want to leave, but at the same time, I felt like I was ready to. Granted, I was leaving all of my friends for the best time of summer: the time when graduation obligations slow down, and the lazy days of summer start to pass you by. The days filled with sitting by the pool, or running to Seven Eleven were about to be left behind, in exchange for sweltering heat and isolation (except for technology). I knew it had been coming, and I looked at it as if it were practice for college - I mean, after all, in just a few short months, we were all going to be separated anyways. Why not try to strengthen our long-distance bond before we were thrown into the craziness of college?

It was all planned out in theory. I was going to text, and Skype, and chat with my friends sometime during each day. There was no way I couldn't. But what I didn't expect was the confusion that went along with what happened: on one hand, I knew that I was "home" - Baton Rouge is where my family is, and that's where home should be. But on the other, I was upset about all of the things that I was missing in Michigan, all the parties that were going on, all the bonding taking place.

The day before we left Michigan was a mix of emotions. I wanted to see everyone, but yet I also wanted alone time. I needed to say goodbye, but would rather have said "see you later." I wanted to tie up loose ends, but was afraid that I wouldn't be able to tighten the knots once I left.

I wanted to go. I wanted to stay. But you know what I've realized since that day?

It probably made me grow more as a person than graduation did. And it prepared me for the emotions that would come with moving to college, and with declaring Baton Rouge my home (if not my hometown).

Day 67 - Your best friend

This post is almost too vague. Which best friend? The one who knows the most about me? The one I've known for longest? The one I can see myself keeping in touch with until we're old? They're all different people. But here's something about each and every one of them.

My best friend is amazing. They aren't my clone, but they also aren't polar opposite. We're right in the middle, like Goldilock's porridge, we're "just right."

My best friend understands me. They understand when I need to be left alone, and the random moods that I get in. They can see from my face, or hear from my laugh when I am truly having a good time, and when I'm just barely holding it together enough to keep a smile on my face.

They care about me, as I do about them. They're there for the good times, but, most importantly, they are there during the bad times too.

They know my priorities and my morals, and respect them. They may not agree, heck, they may not follow them, but at least they understand.

But, as much as they do, I think the most important thing that my best friends do is complete me. Each does this in a different way, but without them, I lose a part of me.

Day 66 - Your day

I know that the day isn't over yet, but don't worry ... I'm going to try and compensate for the details that have yet to come.

Overall my day has been fairly decent - well, as decent as the first day back from Spring Break can be. But here's how my day played out:

8:35 - wake up to the sun shining, and picked out a nice outfit: tight jeans, ivory camisole, black double-breasted  cardigan, and tan boots. Hair was straight, so I left it down

9:00 - breakfast with one of my better friends in the dining hall. We chatted over bagels and apple juice (me) and a breakfast sandwich (her). Though I'm not usually much of a breakfast person when I'm not at school, I thrive on the bagels from our cafeteria. So. Delicious.

10:00-11:30 - first class of the day: Introduction to Literary Studies. We had a pretty good discussion about The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde, and learned more about the assignments for the upcoming weeks.

12:00-12:40 - lunch with more friends - the girl I had breakfast with, as well as another great friend. It was really nice to see both of them again, for our mealtimes are never without hilarious antics.

1:00-2:00 - math class. ugh. All I have to show for this class is a page full of scribbles, barely in English, and doodles. Overall, not too bad.

2:30-4:00 - Linguistics lecture. It was nice to be in that class again, and the topic is becoming really interesting (today's discussion was about face-to-face interactions between early teenagers in Philadelphia in the 1970's). We have a midterm coming up, so it was nice to reacquaint myself with some of the material.

5:00 - dinner with more friends. It seems as if a lot of today has been spent catching up with the people I've missed over the last week, which can be good, but my brain is also thoroughly melted and I can't seem to remember who I've talked to about what and when and in what detail.

That's basically all that I've done today. In the times that are missing, I've been doing things on my ever-growing to-do list (look at summer courses, figure out my fall schedule, email advisors, make appointments, blah, blah, blah) and successfully procrastinating on studying for the midterm I have in Linguistics on Wednesday (that's what Tuesday night is for, right?). In a little bit I'm going to Skype with one of my best friends, take a shower, and call it a night.

Day 65 - Your definition of love

I'd just like to say that I'm back on track - I'm back in my normal place, and there are no foreseeable days of travel that will prevent me from posting.

My definition of love? That's tough. And I mean really really tough. I guess not only because I'm not quite sure I've experienced it in the way people normally think of "love" (as in, a romantic way), but also because there are just so many dang types of it. So why not try a definition by examples?

Love is when someone's flaws are overshadowed by their brilliance. It's when you strive to understand every part of someone, even if the things you learn aren't necessarily your favorite, or always nice. It's when you try to become one person, but eventually accept the fact that you can't, but that's okay too.

Love is when you know just what the other person needs at any time: a hug, a pat on the back, a shoulder to lean against or cry on, a text merely saying "I miss you," or a phone call just to listen to all of the inconsequential things that have happened throughout the day.

Love is not breaking promises. Or, rather, not making promises that you can't (or don't intend to) keep.

But that's not the only kind of love there is. There's also the type of love for a place, when you can't think about being anywhere else. This type of love is when you smile for no reason when you think about the object (or place).

It's about thinking "I'm finally home." And I think that qualification (the "home" one) is true for every type of love, be it for a person, a place, or even a thing.

You want to know my definition of love?

Love is home.

Day 64 - what you ate today

So I know I've been somewhat bad about posting on time. I apologize - the last few days have been absolutely insane with traveling and adjusting to the different time zones. According toy body, it is still Saturday and I'm not tired on the least.

So what did I eat today?

I woke up at a fairly normal time and went out to an absolutely amazing lunch with one of my beat friends. I had chicken and we shared chili cheese fries. It was quite delicious and quite what a weary traveler needed. We eventually made our way to seven-eleven to get slurpees. I didn't eat much between then (11:00ish) and dinner, which was a homemade pot roast that my mom made especially for me :) it was the little slice of home that I've missed.

I guess I didnt realize how much I missed it until I put that first bite into my mouth. And it's starting to hit me that I'm going to miss it tomorrow when I'm back at school, with no foreseeable homecooked meal.

Day 63 - Your parents

My dad is extremely task-oriented, and prides himself on his wealth of knowledge and need for perfection. He's the type of person to sit down with a giant history book and get lost for hours, even though we were supposed to be somewhere ten minutes ago. He opens bottles of water and then just walks away, his attention and mind drawn to something else, something more eminent. He's a bit .... spacy ... sometimes, but it's a good thing. It allows him to let loose, to laugh and joke, even when he still is wearing a suit coat and tie.


My mom, on the other hand, always laughs and jokes around. It's almost as if she's my dad's antithesis - the "yin" for his "yang." She is still intelligent, but in a different sort of way. She knows tons of books, but they're mostly fiction. She knows how to rhyme on a dime, and how to make everyone laugh at the appropriate times. But, most importantly, she knows how people are feeling just by looking at them. It's a gift. Though she can pull out the "evil eye of Mrs. E," she only does so in extreme circumstances, and only in the classroom - I don't really know what I'd do if I was ever the recipient of such a glare.

Day 62 - Your first love

I've been pondering this all day. And there's been a great debate. Hopefully I'll be able to draw some conclusions in this post .... I apologize in advance if there seems to be any mental vomit.

I'm not really sure if I have someone to address this to. Certainly I have said "I love you" to people: my parents, my family, my (now ex-) boyfriend. Even to some friends. But I don't really think that any of them fit the label of "first love."

Don't get me wrong - I don't throw those three words around like they're nothing. When I said them, especially to non-family members, I meant them ... at the time. I was feeling a strong emotion, an emotion that I hadn't experienced before. But looking back on it, I think that feeling might have just been "extreme like."

Have I thought that I truly love someone? Absolutely. But the way events played out, I don't think it was true love, on either of our parts. If it was, then things wouldn't have gone the way they did. There wouldn't have been gaps between us; we wouldn't have grown apart.

I believe that a person can only feel "true love" once. And your "first love" should also be your last one - for true love doesn't come and go. It doesn't wither away. It's ever-present, and immortal. Certainly there will be the mislabeled relationships, the 3-word phrase will get tossed around, and it will be convincing. But in a later relationship, it'll be clear that what you thought was "love" really wasn't. But maybe this new relationship is.

I'm no love expert. Heck, I'm no expert in anything. The only thing I know is that my first love doesn't exist. There is no one to address this post to. And I'm sorry if that surprises you.

If only this prompt had stated "your first 'extreme like'." But that doesn't have nearly as nice a ring to it, now does it?

Day 61 - A person you admire

So here it goes: the third month of the year. So far, I've written every day, and it feels so great. March is a bit of an odd month - there will be some posts that are letter-based, some will just be reflections. Let's see how it works out!

Rach -

I wanted to write you a letter in January, but no title seemed exactly right. Even this doesn't really. I mean, I do more than admire you .... you've turned into the big sister I never had. We've stayed up late night talking about problems, about boys, and about problems with boys.

But I don't just admire anyone who is able to dish out good advice. So why you? Because you're always there for me, even when it may not be the best time. Because you seem to know what you want, and how to get it, and if you don't know where you're going, you just hang back and enjoy the ride. You know who you are, and aren't ashamed of it, and that 'you-ness' lights up a room whenever you walk in.

I still find it amazing that we used to not be this close. But now, even when we don't talk for weeks, we can pick up conversations like nothing has changed, even if things have. It seems as if there are more changes to come, for better or for worse.

So I'd just like to say, like you said to me once:

Dear Rachel,
I admire you.

Lots of love. xoxo

Day 60 - Your favorite song at this time last year

So I know that it's technically March, but I still chose a song from my February 2010 playlist (yes, I make playlists each month of my favorite songs).

This time last year I had a lot on my plate. It's hard to even imagine everything that was going on:

• I was traveling to Baton Rouge approximately once every three weeks or so.
• I was in the end of senior year, gearing up for AP tests
• I was trying to choose a college, which was a lot harder than I had thought it would be.
• There was drama ... and lots of it. With friends, with boys, with friends and boys.
• There were the pressures of school, and of college (I took a class at a college during my senior year)
• I was falling for someone (hence the song) and I didn't know if I wanted to, or how to stop it

Putting it all down in a list doesn't make it seem like that much. But all I remember is that I was stressed. Beyond belief. But this song helped - the music video reminded me that some things may seem strange at first glance. Things may seem downright awful, but you have to look at it again.

Because who knows? You may just find something beautiful that you once thought was weird.